For the Record, I'm Ready for My Exodus!

I'm only months away now from Chapter Two.  I'm beside myself with excitement...and I am incredibly blessed.  Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for His grace, mercy, blessings.

I've been gearing up, preparing myself for the transition from official to freelance.  In addition to the flexibility that freelancing offers -- working as much or as little as I want to -- I will be meeting new faces, traveling in new places, exposed to a whole new world of court reporting.  I've been practicing, reading everything I can get my hands on.  Having joined some professional groups for insight and inspiration, I feel as if I've begun my career all over again.  My passion is alive, fresh.  Exciting. I'm so eager to learn, to travel, to get to know the clientele...working as an independent contractor in new surroundings, a bigger city, meeting professionals and making new friends and business contacts.  I made a trip to Charlotte recently to introduce and market myself to a large and reputable reporting firm there.  It was a delightful visit, very welcoming.  Reporting on a much larger scale than I'm used to.  So much to learn!  And I can't wait.

And so.  Here I stand, squirming, anxiously preparing for my exodus.

I often wonder if the lake will lose its magic, its appeal, once I move there permanently?

A neighbor I met just after having bought the lake house told me something I'll never forget.  After introducing herself to me, welcoming me to the neighborhood/community, her beautiful smile and contagious southern charm hypnotizing me as she sat arranging flowers on that spring day ... I can still hear her words...

"... you know, we've lived here over 15 years now, and every morning I wake up and look out across the lake and the beauty all around me, and I still feel like I'm on vacation...I've just never gotten over that feeling!  Honestly, it feels like you're on perpetual vacation...so relaxing...so beautiful...you'll understand what I'm talking about ... just wait ... I never want to leave this place..."

a look at lakeside in winter...

Interludes

The season of limbo.  The time of year that the calendar pages seem to flip in slow motion.  

Historically, once March arrives in the middle/south, we can say goodbye to the foreshadowing meridian of winter’s clutches.   We begin getting sporadic, unexpected teases from the sun, that vixen of hope, promising warmer, longer, laughter-filled days.   

In the last three years or so, I seem more and more anxious to leave behind the dark and colorless cold that strips me of resolve and optimism.  Should I blame it on this "midlife" stage of my life?  Can I simply attribute it to a number on my timeline?  And should I expect it to worsen with every year?  Argh!  Please, say it ain't so.  I can hardly bear to think about it and what it does to me.  I’ve evolved into a lifeless killjoy to the point that I hardly recognize myself anymore.

Who are you these days?  Do I know you?  

Just what's up with you anyway?  

Oh -- Excuse me while I take this call ... (She's no good for you, T, run for your life!)

Oh, do get a grip.  So many countless blessings.  Enough to fill a single-spaced spiral notebook … or maybe a few?  Far too many to dwell (and rot) on the smog of monotony.

So to dodge it, I do what works best.  I find distractions.  Focusing my mind on the positive, the productive, the entertaining, the engaging.  Time will pass far more quickly this way.   I wake reluctantly to my alarm this morning, telling myself I needed sleep more than the gym.  I do that a lot. But I just kept moving, one foot in front of the other, then coffee, then the cold morning air jarring my sluggish senses into motion. And sure enough, by twelve minutes into cardio on the elliptical, I was putting on my training gloves, ready to burn it with the weights.  Leg Day.  And I was even okay with THAT!  

After getting ready for work, I look outside and see that I'll need an umbrella as I make my way to the car for the morning commute.  I begin the drive, dreading the day, pissed that it's cold and gray and ugly and lifeless looking out there -- AGAIN -- wishing I could turn around, go home, and crawl back into bed.  But rather than focusing on the sleet and rain on my commute, the morons clogging up the left lane, I cranked up the volume knob and begin singing -- out-singing -- with Dido’s “Thank You.”  Great song!  Oh, isn't music one of the BEST therapists?  And then another song, and another, and then I’m whizzing past yet another moron, passing him in his land yacht on the right, and whipping back around him before taking the last left and into my parking building.  Excuse me, biscuit-eatin', goin-nowhere-in-particular-today cruiser!  (Being diplomatic with my word choice here.)  Coming through. 

Done.  I made it.  See, life is still good.

And suddenly it’s mid morning.  I’m sitting at my desk, bored, caught up with work, and no docket for the day.  My stomach begins to growl.  NO, I said to myself emphatically, YOU’RE NOT HUNGRY ALREADY.  YOU WILL NOT EAT … NOT YET.  MOVE ALONG!  And there it goes, my mind begins to roam, heading in directions that it doesn’t need to go.  

Disengage the crap, T.  Let go of the mind fog.  

  

And that’s when I grabbed my Kindle, waiting to be escorted to THAT OTHER PLACE I so desperately needed to go today.

  

So I’ve been reading this rather boring book on my Kindle, The Unimaginable.  I chose it because its description snared me and because it got rather good reviews.  I love that my Kindle gives me that little percentage meter at the bottom of the display, allowing me to see how far I’ve progressed.  Ironically, I’d almost given up on this book several times.  Typcially if it doesn’t grab me by the third chapter (or before), I ditch it.   

I’m not completely sure why I've stayed so long this time.  It wasn’t until I hit the 50%+ that I became engrossed -- the kind of engrossed where you forget where you are, what day it is, all stimulus blocked, all sights, sounds, smells temporarily stifled.  All that you're aware of  is the next word on the page, the next sentence, the next paragraph.  Give it to me!  Keep it coming.  I’m hooked.

So.  The three main characters have found themselves in a very dangerous predicament, encountering unspeakable terrors by a band of pirates on their leisure passage across the Indian Ocean.  "Unspeakable terrors."  I’ve finally hit the good stuff.  And I read on because there is something about Jessica, the main character, that resonates with me.  A description of the book reads:  “After twenty-eight years of playing by the rules,” referring to Jessica.  And so she's successfully escaped from the ordinary … but now look where it’s landed her?  In one dangerous and deadly terror-filled mess.

And I love that Kindle allows me to highlight and create notes:

Jessica:  “…but I always felt out of place, like I was just biding my time, waiting to be transported somewhere else where people wouldn’t roll their eyes at my curiosity and desire [to see more, do more, meet new people, learn new things] … but I was a practical girl so I learned to curb my enthusiasm, fly under life’s radar, and wait until the time was right to follow my dreams instead of everyone else’s…happy vs. comfortable…in the end I think I was running to something rather than running away from it…”

 

Yeah, I found myself whispering silently to myself as I read those words.  

I get that.

And so I read on, waiting for their inevitable rescue...

waiting for the main guy and Jessica to fall in love and live happily ever after...  

Yeah, yeah, yeah...Way too predictable.

But I've gotten this far, and I'm in it for the long haul.  

Besides, before I know it I’ll awaken from this dormant interlude and it will be the first day of spring

Dreams

It's always fascinated me, our dreams.  Why we dream what we dream.  What is its significance?  And why?  What in our hearts, minds, memories, experiences calls forth the fables and fantasies in slumber.  Our body is in repose, but our minds are far from dormant.

Dreams of anxiety, fears, fantasies, romance, non-sensical adventures, goals, friends, family, childhood, travel ... and on and on.

And what of recurring dreams?  What precipitates this besiege?

It is not of our own volition.  

No control can be exercised over this involuntary intrusion 

into the deepest parts of us, at our most vulnerable.  

Unconscious.  

We cannot resolve to stopping the insanity.  

It comes uninvited, unannounced, and when we least expect it.  

I've been dreaming of mom lately.  More than usual.  I miss her at times to the point of wanting to scream out in pain from the emptiness I'm left with in her absence.

I miss you, Mom.

Can you hear me?

Do you know how much I miss you?

I need to know that you are happy.

That all YOUR dreams have come true in heaven.

The dreams that never came true here on earth.

I wish I could have done more for you.

I've written a zillion love letters to you in my dreams.

Do you ever get them?  

HE DID IT!

MY GAVIN'S FIRST BODYBUILDING COMPETITION

AND

"NATURALLY"

HE

KILLED

IT

FIRST PLACE NOVICE TALL

FIRST PLACE MEN'S OPEN HEAVYWEIGHT

I’M SO PROUD!

HE'S MY HERO!

Fantasy Friday

This is where you are...

This is what you hear...

Close your eyes and let go.

cheers...

happy fantasy fridays

Musical Pictures

I may have blogged about this once before -- my lines of memory are somewhat blurred.  My Friday evening glass of wine may have a wee bit to do with that, but not entirely.

Musical Pictures.  It was a distinct and vivid memory of kindergarten for me.  In the early afternoon, just after lunch and "recess," we were asked to lie down on the floor on little mats -- yes, of course they were...little mats for little people -- and rest a bit while listening to music.  Most of the time, at least as memory serves, it was classical music, or something similar.  Always instrumental.  This may have been my first exposure to classical (such a shame...INFANTS should be exposed at an early age to classical in my humble opinion).  

After listening for about 20 minutes or so, we were then handed large sheets of sketching paper -- I remember it was sort of off white and sturdy... funny how we remember these details of life that leave lasting impressions -- and we were asked to illustrate with markers, paint, pencils or crayons the music that we were hearing.  What did it call to our minds?

It was my favorite class.

To this day, I think about musical pictures all the time.  I'll be driving down the road and hear a song and I think in images, the brush strokes of my mind filling in the details, whether fiction or reality.  At times quite vivid detail.  And for those few moments in time, I've escaped to that place in "my picture."

It's THIS part of my personality that most people may find a little wacko.  But truth is, it's an INTEGRAL part of who I am.  How we long to be understood, not misinterpreted.  Because I'm NOT wacko.  It's just who I am, who I've become over time.  And these traits aren't always obvious...aren't always seen on the surface.  In fact, mostly are not.  But dare tap into my heart, scratch the surface a little, and you will likely find the deeper wacko side of me.  The dreamer.

This artist, Ludovico Einaudi,

SUCH A BEAUTIFUL NAME, I want to repeat it over and over

has become one of my favorites.  

I discovered him via Pandora about a year or so ago.  I keep researching, sampling his music now and then.  I hear most of it on my Windham Hill station of Pandora.

Arriving home late from work today, tired and thankful the week was finally over, I poured myself a glass of wine and clicked onto YouTube in search of some escape music.  Release. And I found this.

Experience

Its seducing effect on me was deeply penetrating.  An ushering of vivid musical pictures ...

Listen to Einaudi's "Experience" -- don't cheat yourself, listen all the way through, you won't regret the ebb and tide -- and indulge your mind's eye of illustrations. Abandon all other thoughts, problems, duties, commitments, rules ... as you let the music release you.  Are you there yet?  What do you see?  Is it anything short of spectacular?

Go ahead.  Breathe.  Escape.  It's Friday.  It's time to exhale.

Fresh Asparagus and Other Simple Pleasures

“leaving the world of reality behind

and disappearing into a world of

make-believe and imaginations,

is a solace you get from nothing else…”

~ Sanhita Baruha

Fresh asparagus, $1.99 lb.  I'm there.

One of my office staff told me about the asparagus sale.  It was a supermarket across town I hadn't been to in several years -- can't even remember when I was last there.  So on my lunch hour, I headed out for the asparagus ... oh, and I spied a cute get-well card for a friend ... and a bottle of pinot noir I'd never tried before -- I can never resist trying a new a wine ... and a jar of salsa.  Paid for my groceries, headed back to my car, and the sun was seducing the heck out of me.  

I can't go back to that office.  I can't be INSIDE anywhere!

You don't WASTE springtime sunshine after a long, dreary winter.

I had an idea.  Pulling into our parking building, rather than stopping at my reserved space, I just kept driving up, up, up to the roof.  Hah!  Suh-weet! Thrilled with my last-minute rendezvous, I pulled into a spot facing the sun, opened every window, including the sun roof, popped in my Sax by the Sea CD, and spent the next forty minutes basking in the solace of fantasy in the sun.

(...where I was...)

(...where I pretended to be...)

Waves of Happiness

Every ray of sun at this season of the year is like finding a lone bloom in an empty bed of flowers, struggling to make its appearance, to breathe life back into the vast cold emptiness.  Amid an abundance of blooms, that pitiful little display of a single flower would surely go unnoticed.

Driving down the road, I see the rays of sun and I cannot suppress the rising waves of anticipation of brighter days, promises of hope and renewal, beauty and rebirth, waves and waves -- ENDLESS WAVES -- of the simplest pleasures of this world that until taken away, they go unnoticed.  Taken for granted.

There is a chance -- a chance, whether big or small, it remains uncertain -- that my oldest son Zach, whom I haven't seen since August, will be able to fly to Marco Island to join us this year in July.  There's an even better chance that my middle son Gavin will manage to get several days of vacation from his current job in the Pittsburgh area to join us there also.  To think that I'll have all of my sons at Marco Island for the first time in -- YEARS -- is joy indescribable.

Closing my eyes, I hear the rolling waves of the surf, the birds, the laughter ... I smell the salt in the air ... I feel the wind on my skin, in my hair, the sun on my face...I see the breaks of those waves, iridescent streams of light dancing on air ... I imagine sitting around together on the beach, laughing, talking, remembering, celebrating...and I am awash with an outpouring of love and cries of gratitude.  These are the moments in life that eclipse all the struggles, the stifling, cooped-up, long winter days.

Let me remember ...

Ludovico Einaudi

One of my favorite incredibly gifted musicians!

Unfinished Restlessness

In order that people may be happy in their work,

these three things are needed:

they must be fit for it;

they must not do too much of it;

and they must have a sense of success in it.

-John Ruskin

Happy in my work.

That I am.

But I find that I also struggle with a sense of unfinished restlessness.

Restlessness.

Daydreams.

It's almost a daily thing for me.

I wake up in the morning with that coveted first cup of coffee on my mind…

…I let out the dog…I feed the dog…

I take my B6 vitamin cocktail and my BCAA’s...

...I splash my face with water, then moisturizer...I get into my gym gear.  

The coffee is ready by now.  

I yearn for a new coffee pot with a timer 

-- ours is old, but it still works! -- 

so I’m waiting for Old Faithful to die.

I let out the dog again.  

I grab my coffee and my mini morning blizzard...

(1 Tbs whey protein, 2 oz yogurt, .5 T coconut oil, 1 T Fiber One) 

I sit down at my laptop to catch up on emails and read scripture.  

I read my devotions and I pray -- I talk to God.

It's like a morning shower...a cleansing of my soul...

...the need to remove the tarnish..

(my halo stays quite rusty)  

Without prayer, my feelings of inadequacy overshadow

every ounce of my resolve.  

...another sip of coffee...
glorious

Then I wander over to Facebook 

to see if there’s anything I’ll regret not reading about -- still waiting on that one.  

By now my coffee is finished and I’m ready to hit the gym.  

I do a mental checklist:  Water bottle, check.  MP3 player, check.  

Towel (I prefer my own), check.  Chapstick, check.  

Gym bag, check.  Keys, check.  Then out the door.

My cardio warmup is an opportunity to escape...

...hey, there, Happy Dreamer ...

...my mind drifts...

 I reflect on the possibilities of a new day...  

A caravan of adventurous thoughts expanding into weeks, months, seasons…

...years ahead...  

I'm lost in a kaleidoscope of daydreams, 

a pleasing procession of plans and goals, all sparkly and bewitching…

an arousal of senses...

...faster, T...

...pick up the pace...

...get to the sweet spot...

I want to take up classical guitar again …

I want to get my personal trainer certification …

I want to take a few photography lessons and find my very own artistic niche …

I want to travel and explore and satisfy my insatiable wanderlust…

I want to do all of this while still working as a court reporter, either part time or full time, because I really do still love my day job!

   

I want to have time to do ALL of those things 

and not just so-so

I want to rock ALL of them...

How do I manage to cram all of that into one tall order?

Is there enough time?

When?  And how?

Enough of me to go around?

My inner voice -- MY voice -- says, not unless I find balance first and foremost.  

Life without balance is like music lacking harmony.  

The notes must complement the chord.  

Without the balance and harmony, 

I'll be left with a cacophony of loose ends and broken dreams.

Passion tempered with patience.  

Keep it lit, keep it alive, but be realistic. 

There.  That's how it's done.  

And just as I think I’ve gotten my strategies all figured out, 

I hear another voice...

...His voice...

 ...a reminder...

Blessed assurances.

I see it all so clearly now.

“But seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness…

and all these things shall be added unto you.” 

~ Matthew 6:33

Antidotes

Igniting My Happy

It's Monday evening.  I wake up from a long, luxurious nap.  I'm chilled.  I grab a hoodie to snuggle.  I'm groggy, but rested.  I look out the window.   It's dark outside.  Of course it is.  It's dark outside.  It's cold.  And it's winter.

Find the light, T.  Ignite your happy.

I head downstairs to begin dinner.  I've planned spaghetti for my family, roasted chicken in hot sauce for me.  It doesn't make sense that I'm craving all of this hot n spicy food when I'm fighting hot flashes. What's that about?  Oh, yeah, I'd definitely appreciate a big ol' bowl of ice cream far more.  But so would my growing ass.  Nah -- stop.  I'll save that whine session for another time.

Waiting for the noodles to boil, I switch on the evening news.  Why?  It's always depressing, and I mostly try to avoid it.  Trouble on Wall Street.......Philip Seymour Hoffman dies of a heroine overdose; I remember his role in Patch Adams.  Talented but cocky.......and more winter storms on the way; they mention that Minnesota was hit with -32 temps.  SERIOUSLY!

Turn it off, T.  Find the light, T.  Ignite your happy.

I light a candle.  I watch it flicker and dance, the creamy amber hues of the flame casting shadows of the iron candle holder on the wall.  It smells good.  It calms me almost instantly..... Like listening to a fiddler, my thoughts turn from dark to light, doldrums to content.  Face it, who can listen to a fiddle and feel depressed?  

Bring your fiddles.  Light your candles.
Ignite your happies.

I close my eyes.  I dream that it's summer again...

I pour a cup of decaf green tea and choose a cottage cheese "blizzard" for my dinner in place of the chicken.  It hit my happy spot.

It's Tuesday.  I stop by the bank at the mall to make a deposit and then slowly make my way to Macy's.  Nothing particular on my mind.  I wander.  Minutes later I find myself in the jewelry section.  CLEARANCE.  That'll do it.  Let me dig.  After a few minutes of digging -- I'm a digger - love to dig - makes me happy -- I can't help but notice this voice , another digger beside me.  She sounds exactly like Bernadette from The Big Bang Theory.  She's going on and on and on ..... I sneak a peek to confirm she's real.  Yep.  I suppress a very big giggle.

I need new eye shadow.  Eye shadow.  Such a tiny thing for so big an impact to a woman's mood.  A beeline to Sephora.  The clerk kindly guides me through some pretty options. I want it all.  Every.Single.Thing.I.See.  Choosing a pretty plum and champagne duo, I leave there a little happier.

I next head to Bath & Body Works.  While browsing, the clerk shares with me a new scent of their summer candle selection that has already sold out.  She just happened to have a diffuser of the same scent.  Oh.My.Goodness. Unable to suppress a huge smile, it consumes me, teasing and taunting -- the most fabulous smell of summer!  I must have it.  I must, I must.  "Summer Boardwalk."  I assure her that I would be back when their new shipment arrives, and I leave the store obsessed...that scent on my brain...a daydream of summer in my heart... a permanent smile on my face.

Revisit memories of the best summer

spent at the beach with caramel glazed popcorn,

warm taffy apples

and salted sweet cream.  

Perfect.  

This will certainly do.

You've found your light, T.

Ignite your happy.

Is It Hot in Here?

That is the controlling theme for my life, it seems.  It started about mid December, this avalanche of hot flashes, and I've been trying to minimize them ever since.  I've Googled, researched, asked questions, tried supplements -- all with very little improvement.

I’m melting here, people!

I'm hot natured anyway.  Raise my temperature on top of my natural thermostat, and we have a critical situation here.  Several times a day I'm running outdoors to the back porch just to diffuse.  And it's WINTER.  What if it were summer?  Would they have to admit me to the hospital?  Keep me in one of those tents on life support?

That's not funny.

Never mind.

My research tells me that wine and coffee exacerbate hot flashes.  Great.  Just take ALL of my pleasure away why doncha.

I can't wear many of my favorites of my winter wardrobe -- ribbed turtlenecks, some of my heavier blazers, sweaters.  I'm wearing thin, light layers most every day so that I can shed when necessary.  No fun at all!  I guess it at least keeps me motivated to keep my arms as toned as possible.  No pressure.  RIGHT!

So I dreamed last night that I was on assignment (assignment?) interviewing women about their hot flash experiences.  What, when, how long, how extensive, what they did to alleviate them, whether they were successful in treating them.  I was on the news, reporting live with my interviews.  It was a funny dream.  But not really.  I mean it's funny thinking back to it, but the dream itself was tormenting.  Maybe I should change that to "nightmare."

So I managed to get to the gym today around 11:00.  It's my day off -- MLK Day -- and I had other errands to run earlier.  I wanted to warm up (warm up?) with cardio.  I suffered through on the cardio loft for ten minutes and then thankfully headed down to the [cooler] weight room for lifting.  It was shoulder and abs day, with a four sets of decline skull crushers thrown in for triceps.  I pushed hard for an hour and loved-hated every minute of it.

Three sets of each of the following, unless otherwise noted:

lateral raises

lying leg raises/crunches with gym ball

wood chop squats with medicine ball 

Arnold presses

inclined rear delt raises

inclined front DB raises

weighed planks (10 lbs 90 secs)

declined weighted crunches (25 lbs x 12)

leg extensions

bicep BB curls 21’s  (30 lbs x 2 sets)

declined tricep extensions (skull crushers) (30 lbs x 12)

Finishing with one continuous ab cycle: 

20 bicycle crunches

20 V-crunches

15 lying leg lifts 

I'm driving home with the windows down, the cool winter air and warm sunshine in my face.  Sunny and 50 degrees.  This isn't supposed to last long.  We're expecting snow tomorrow.

I have a list of things to get done today on my day off.  I plan to make a chicken casserole for dinner -- my mother-in-law is coming to stay with us for a couple of days before flying to CA to visit her brother for a couple of weeks to beat winter blues.  I'd like to go along too.  But reality tells me I gotta stay put.  We have a trial starting tomorrow.  No goofing off for me.

So in the meantime I'll keep yummy candles lit, play music that soothes and uplifts me, keep popping Vitamin D and fish oil, make visits now and then to the tanning bed (thank you, Deborah), and stay committed to my morning cardio and my gym routine.  It's my survival technique for the nextt couple of months to get me through winter.  You do what you have to do.  Look for happy...

And try to stay as cool as possible!