Goodbye 2013

A New Year!

Let's

be

happy!

Sensual Illusion

Isn't that a cool name for a song?  What word picture comes to YOUR mind?

As I sit here in the still of a dark morning, drinking my coffee and planning my day, this song plays quietly in the background of my Blank & Jones station on Pandora.  (What WOULD I do without Pandora?)

The music is my escape.

I'll be taking tomorrow off to drive to PA and spend the day painting Gavin's living room in his new little rental house that he recently moved into -- the one that accepts PETS.  It's old, but charming.  Needs a little TLC.  Every room is white with white trim and it's a little, uh, stark.  With lots of furniture and decorator touches, all white would be fine -- even chic.  But he has neither.  He has ME.  And his girlfriend will help me too.  She has wonderful taste.  She and I have been talking about a good paint color, and we've decided on a pale khaki-gray.  There is a mantel in the living room too that is painted all white.  It needs pop and character.  The good thing is that there are three windows in that tiny room, so it's light and bright and inviting.  I'm looking forward to this project -- diversion.

Hope he's dug out his dishes and kitchen stuff.  I'll need to find his coffee pot.

I'll be packing an extension gate (to keep Phelan out of the room), paint brushes and supplies, a step ladder ... and, of course, my iHome mini speaker to plug into my cell phone for ... what else?  MUSIC.

I'll be spending New Year's Eve there, and I wouldn't dream of being without music to serenade me throughout the day.

As this year comes to an end,

I reflect

I remember

I wonder 

I wish  

I dream 

I hope. 

Who's fighting?

Being so wrapped up in the busyness of Christmas, I've not had time to pay attention to my fitness agenda as much as I'd like.  And I've paid for it.  Not only do I have less energy, less strength, not sleeping as well at night, my back has also been bothering me for several days now.  At first I just thought I'd pulled a muscle, trying to recall what I did, when I did it, and coming up with no answers.

And then it dawned on me.  Callanetics.  When was the last time I did Callanetics!  That's it.  It had been almost two weeks since I'd completed a session of Callanetics, and when I go that long without it, my back is always the first to let me now.  It's amazing how therapeutic that exercise routine can be.  It seems so simple, so primary, one would wonder how it could possibly be worth one's while.  How could it be so effective?  Nothing could be further from the truth.

Upon realizing this, I took time yesterday to do about 40 mins of Callanetics.  I lit a candle, turned on the Winter Sonata station of Pandora -- the perfect accompaniment for Callanetics, soft, flowing, relaxing, contemplative...

Oh, to read the mind of Michael Whalen!

My body thanked me this morning.  I woke up this morning with no back pain for the first time in several days.  It's as if I'm walking on air, limber and loose and poised.  It's the best workout.  And it's even more effective if done consistently, no less than once a week.  

We went to Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner last night.  Upon arriving and being seated at a high table in the bar section, our hostess asked if we were staying for the fight, and we replied no.  Thought nothing of it.  Just as we were finishing our meal, a group of guys next to us asked us if we were staying for the fight.  We replied no.  He said, "Oh, okay, we were just wondering so we could use your table...we have more friends joining us."  We obliged.  

It was a yummy meal.  Hot BBQ wings.  It hit the spot.  I'd been craving wings for a couple of weeks.  I was wearing my new black boots I'd gotten for Christmas, new jewelry, lots of layers -- always fun to wear layers in winter -- and I had moved on from my emotional storm of missing Zach and being distraught that he'd not received his Christmas gifts -- STILL!  I knew I couldn't dwell on this and drown in my muck.  It had been a sunny day, and as part of my "recovery" I bundled up and sat out in the sun to read my latest editions of Veranda, Vogue and Allure that had arrived in the mail, while sipping my green tea cleansing cocktail.  All methods to my "healing."

Leaving BWW, I was looking forward to maybe building a fire on the patio under the stars...or watching a movie via Amazon Prime...and I began contemplating my options ...

JFD:  Wonder what time the fight comes on?

T:  I’m NOT watching a damn fight.  You’re on your own.

JFD:  Who said I wanted to WATCH the FIGHT?  I Just wondered when it was coming on.  Did I say I wanted to watch the fight?

T:  Fine.  Whatever.  So... Who’s fighting?

JFD:  Who gives a shit?  I just wondered when it was coming on!  You jump to conclusions --

T:  Okay, okay!  I get it!  I just didn’t want to spend the evening watching a fight.  Just sayin’

JFD:  Did I say I wanted to watch the fight?

T:  Yeah.  Fine.  We’re moving on now.

JFD:  Fine...Good background music… 

Vivaldi's Adiago "Winter" had been playing softly - ironically - on the CD player. I had to giggle out loud.  Had to!  Life is funny sometimes.

Tis the Season to Be Jolly, However...

So.

Let's go to the movies

and laugh our asses off.

My Heart is Blue

Zach didn't get his gifts in time for Christmas.

We skyped with him.

We opened our presents from him.

He watched.

(Did I see him wipe a tear once?)

I ache.

I just do.

I'll be okay when he receives his gifts.

According to online tracking, they were STILL
in Chicago on December 24th.
I mailed them on December 10th.
Is it the 21st century???

I've had a blue, blue Christmas...without you.

The Best Gift

Gift package to Zach ... hope it arrived in time!

And as I sit in the quiet with a cup of coffee on this Christmas morning, everyone asleep, I reflect on the best gift of all and its meaning to my life,

echoes of stillness usher images...

Quiet and still...a long, long time ago...

Christ is born.

Our Savior to the world.

Love began.

Listen With Me

Gift wrapping...

baking...

Christmas cards...

grocery shopping...

cleaning...

planning...

I glance at my watch.

What time is it?

Do I have enough time to do ____.

Oh, and make a note about _____.

Don't forget to call ____.

And the laundry...always more laundry.

Where is the tape...that extra spool of ribbon I just bought...?

I know I bought two bags of chocolate chips...

Are we out of milk AGAIN?

Remember to get eggs.

What am I having so many hot flashes?

I'm so over this menopause crap.

I must stop thinking about _______.

Can somebody give Chessie some more water?

I need a red camisole.

Saturdays aren't long enough.

Why am I so emotional?

I wonder what Zach is doing...Is he happy...?

Someone's at the door!

I'm almost out of wine!

Oh, I forgot to go to the post office...

Why do people drive so slowly?

Why is that lady dressed in that ridiculous outfit?

Why do people drive in circles. waiting for a parking spot close to the door?

Are you really that lazy?

Where's the Windex?

Why can't I find pine-scented candles?

I wish we could have a white Christmas.

stop!

Just stop.

Turn down the volume,

the noise.

Shut off the distractions.  

Forget about unfinished tasks.

Take time to listen to the silence of the season.

Silent Night

Probably the most popular Christmas carol.

And one of my favorite versions is Enya's.

Not surprising...

I'm totally engulfed in the mesmerizing beauty of this music.

Lovely and lasting.

Sobering.

Have you heard this?

Do you remember?

Do you have time to sit down with me?

Listen with me.

Just listen.

Let all be calm this night.

FNL - White Christmas

Looks like it will be merely a dream at this point...
Not lookin good again this year for my long-awaited White Christmas.

So I guess I'll just KEEP ON dreaming.

Meanwhile, I'm having fun letting the Spirit
speak to me through so many sources.

children's faces...
people's decorations...
songs...
lights...
friends and families...
love and kindness.

It's all good.

I got my keratin treatment this morning.  Yes.  Oh, so overdue!  I love how it makes the copper lowlights that I had done in early fall more obvious.  

Going out to dinner tonight with three other couples to celebrate Christmas and our friendships.  Can't wait.  I've taken the day off to get stuff done, run errands, wrap gifts, and try to get the house back to normal after taking Phelan back to Gavin.  I can take down the gates now and open the French doors to enjoy the tree.  I'm noticing that Chessie is doing the victory dance too.  

There's a new wine I tried about a month ago while having dinner with a friend.  It's a Cab, which is not typically my favorite, but this one was very good.  Chasing Lions.  I haven't found it locally yet.  I may have to order it.  

I picked up a pair of faded gray, white-wash-looking skinny jeans today (early Christmas present to myself) to wear to dinner tonight with a gray denim jacket and a long red sweater.  Boots.  I have THE LOOK in my head, now I gotta just pull it together.  Gonna paint my nails Christmas red, do the red lipstick thing, and throw a little bling on for icing.  There.  Time to prance, Dancer!

White Christmas?  

Nah.  Only in my dreams.

So. 

Red It Is.

Cheers!

A New and Glorious Morn

REJOICE

(rejois’)

To experience joy and gladness in a high degree;

to be exhilarated with lively and pleasurable sensations;

to exult.

It's Free?

It’s Free Shipping Day!

So...does this apply to humans too?

Give me a second.

I can be packed in a flash!

FNL - The Piano Guys

Couldn't decide whether or not to take the day off.  Babysitting Phelan, I've not had time to get as much accomplished as I'd like to with decorating for Christmas.  A part of me resists...a deeper part of me, my mother, whispers, "Celebrate with me, it's Christmas..."

Missing people I love.  It hurts.

So I voted yes, take a vacation day.  I made it to the gym this morning for the first time in a week.  I think that's the longest I've gone w/o lifting in YEARS.   It kicked me.  And I didn't even go at my typical pace.  Gotta do better.  I'll FEEL better if I do.

It has poured the rain for the last two days...rain, rain, rain....just keeps raining.

Snow is preferable.

I've spent most of the day decorating the tree, rearranging furniture -- I love doing that...feels like a new house -- and cleaning, tidying.  My focus theme this year is woodsy with a sprinkle of classic and bling.  Lots of birch and pine.  And of course, candles -- everywhere.  I've listened to Jazz Christmas on Pandora all day.  Now I'm ready for a glass of wine.  I am pushing through this FUNK.  I will NOT let it take me captive. The time spent alone today has done me a lot of good.  Solitude is cathartic at times.

I think I'll go shower and pour a glass of wine.

Happy Friday.

Live?  Well, sort of.

Good stuff.

Says who?

Sexiest man alive?

Really?

Uh, nope.  Don’t think so. 

Just doesn’t do it for THIS woman.

Of all the gorgeous, sexy men 

running around on the planet …

and they pick Adam Levine?

Sorry, Adam.  You’re cute and all.  

And incredibly talented.

And smart?  Yes.

But the SEXIEST man?

Some of us just can’t agree with the judges 
on this subjective call.

Warm My Heart

Yesterday evening, after taking Phelan for a walk -- then run, because, well, she likes to run too, I discovered -- we plopped down onto the garage floor for a breather.  She eagerly lapped up her water.  And THEN she spies me on the floor beside her, an irresistible invitation tease to pounce and play.  And to be honest, I was having a ball.  She'd look at me dead in the eye, as if to say, you know you love me...why do you pretend you don't?

And then --bam-- in my lap, nuzzling my hair, my face, my neck, romp, play, pounce ... repeat.

And me?  Well, I giggled.  A lot.

"Say it.  Say you love me!"

And then I saw it.  The sunset.

And as if on cue, she saw it too,

and she immediately calmed down,

and we both sat there staring,

content,

conversing without words.

Our souls had connected somehow.

Sunsets...high on my happy list!

Yes, all was good in my world.

(Forever grateful to a friend who encouraged me to start that list.)

And that's when I knew.

She had me.

As the cooler night air hastened,

I found myself longing for a fire.

This sweet puppy love

had warmed my heart

like a beautiful sunset by fireside.

Am I getting addicted to her?

Yes, sweet Phelan.

I do love you.

And I will take care of you

as long as I need to.

This will all work out somehow.

(Working on getting her to smile for the camera)

The perfect CHILL song for fireside!

Colorless

Was it really less than a week ago that I was at the office, planning my last day at work until after Thanksgiving, checking the weather, hoping/praying that Gavin would make it home safely if it snowed as they had predicted.

It seems like forever ago.

The snow was so beautiful.  Remnants of fall peek out of the freshly fallen snow on Wednesday morning.  The snow calmed me.  It seemed to know I needed it.

Since he left to go back home on Friday morning, I’ve been in a funk.  What is wrong with me?  Seriously.  I’ve got to get a grip.  This is not the way it’s supposed to be.  My shame mixes with guilt over feeling this way and it just exaggerates the emptiness. 

It’s as if

all the color has been washed away…

and all I see,

both literally and figuratively,

is black and white.

 I’m somewhat very frustrated with Gavin for having bought a dog (a soon to be VERY BIG dog), knowing he wasn’t allowed to have pets.  He now will likely be evicted.  While he searches for a new apartment, his puppy, Phelan, is staying at our house.  A puppy – un-housebroken puppy – is the LAST thing I want and need right now.  Let’s just crank up the stress several notches, shall we? 

This puppy needs watched constantly when she’s not on a leash, chained up to a loaded 50-lb barbell in our garage.  She’s chew crazy, playfully aggressive, and she poops and pees when she’s not taken out regularly.  To avoid the poop and pee and mess, we take her out at regular intervals.  She cries, lonely when left in the garage by herself (except at night, thankfully), and begs/cries to come in.  I have to gate and barricade everything (while decorating for Christmas????) as she chases and terrorizes Chessie, my Peke-a-poo.  She jumps and romps and she’s STRONG as an ox.  There are no off-guard moments.  You have to constantly be watching her or attending to her needs.

Am I resentful?  Yes.  Is that all that’s wrong with me? 

That’s what has me stumped.  I need and want to purge.  I must.  I’m drowning here.

Get a grip. 

Everything will work out with Phelan and he’ll find another apartment very soon.

Think positive.

But will that cure me?  I desperately want to make this right.

Over the Miles...Into My Heart

We skyped with Zach Wednesday evening.

He got to meet Gavin's puppy, "Phelan,"

and we giggled at how she kept pestering little Chessie.

Phelan will likely be at least 100 lbs when she's fully grown.

Chessie is fully grown and weighs 14.

As we all sat around in the family room talking with Zach,

it dawned on me that the last time we were all together was over the 4th of July when Zach went with us to visit Gavin in PA.  

He left for Japan on August 2nd.

Ouch.  How I miss my son.

As time passes, I've seen how he continues to excel in wisdom and maturity.

All of the brothers have something to teach each other.

I look forward to when we will all be together again.

Holidays are cherished times for families and friends,

making us realize how precious life is and how we have been blessed by those relationships.  They call to mind memories and moments that have served

to build and shape each of us.  Life is indeed elusive...ephemeral.  

Holidays allow us to hit PAUSE,

seek out those whom we cherish, 

sit down with them, share a meal, talk, laugh, sing, remember, celebrate...

and give thanks for God's goodness and mercy.

Gratitude

bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter

everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that

change forever how we experience life and the world.

Sarah Ban Breathnach

He Made It!

My plan was to take the day off, 

but my circadian rhythm wakes me up EVERY day 

at 5:00 a.m.

I pee.  I go back to bed.

And just before falling asleep, I hear the garage door opening...

GAVIN'S HOME!

I grab a jacket hanging on the chair

(modesty, no bra)

and race downstairs to greet him and Phelan.

God, it's good to have him home.

He drove all that distance after getting off from work at the wee hours of the morning, so he could beat the snow.  

Well, he didn't exactly beat the snow...but granted, there was less traffic, 

which means less idiots, safer travels. 

And now I can enjoy this beautiful blanket of snow

at this season of blessings and gratitude.

I have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.

So he and Phelan go to his room to get some sleep.

And me?

Now what?

I do what I do. 

I fix coffee and read emails and reflect...

I wander into the deepest recesses of my mind,

searching, sorting, thinking,

beckoning a fusion of both tears and smiles

and I remember.

I drink more coffee.

I stare out the window at the falling snow.

I think about all the things I need to do today.

Gym was to be first up...

But I know that Colton & Gavin will likely want to go to the gym today too, so maybe I should wait and we could all go together later today.

My legs/hams/glutes were STILL sore yesterday (Tues) after Saturday's workout.  In fact, I struggled rising out of the chair by Sunday night.  I can't remember having that much muscle soreness in a very long time.  Hurts so good!

Yesterday was arms and abs.  Am I ready for another leg/glute day?  Yikes.  I know it's best to work it out.  I can do high rep lighter weights maybe.  Yeah.  That'll work.  So yep, I'll wait and go with my boys guys.

I drink more coffee...

I listen to Winter Sonata on Pandora.

As the snow continues to fall.

I know it makes traveling dangerous and hectic.

But it's so beautiful.  

Like the ocean, and the moon, and sunsets, and sunrises,

I see it as if for the first time.

The elements sing to my soul.

This is ecstasy.

The simplest pleasures.

Smiling Big Today

We didn't think Gavin was going to get two

consecutive days off for the Thanksgiving holiday,

allowing him sufficient time to come home.

I was bummed.

I'd already begun to plan making the trip to PA

to see him this coming weekend.

I just found out that he's COMING HOME!

He gets both Wednesday and Thursday off this week!

He hasn't been home since early summer!

And he's bringing his new "baby,"

Phelan

his Alaskan malamute puppy.

(Oh, boy.  Poor Chessie...she'll be traumatized for months!)

I'd better get busy... got lots of cooking to do...

and cleaning...

and planning...

AND CELEBRATING!

We'll all get to Skype with Zach in Japan

on Thanksgiving Day evening!

I am beyond thankful.

Life is Good.

FNL - Somebody I Used to Know

I remember when I first heard this song.

It had a magnetic power about it, forcing me to stop what I was doing

and turn up the volume.

It definitely got my attention.

As I listened to the lyrics

(oooooh...)

I couldn't help but be drawn to the catchy rhythmic nuances.  

It was one of those songs that sticks in your head.

And you CAN'T-LET-GO.

It's fun listening to this song.

But watching it live?

Makes ya wanna hit REPLAY over and over and over...

Mesmerizing!

Just something sexy about this guy.

And the featured vocal complement was spot on,

except, um, I couldn't help but observe...

Not exactly flattering, sweetie.

Work on it, K?