Women's Health Magazine - Robin Hilmantel, July 12 2013
High-intensity exercise may actually decrease food cravings, according to new
research published in the International Journal of Obesity.
For the study, researchers from The University of Western
Australia had 17 male participants rotate through four groups: one that didn’t
work out at all, one that worked out at a moderate intensity for 30 minutes,
one that did an interval workout for 30 minutes, and one that did a more
intense interval workout for 30 minutes. While doing any type of workout
decreased the number of calories participants ate later during a test meal, the
biggest difference was between the most vigorous interval workout (participants
ate 594 calories on average after that) and the group that didn’t work out at
all (which ate 764 calories). What’s more, participants took in fewer calories
for more than 24 hours following the most intense workouts, says study author
Aaron Sim, a PhD candidate at the School of Sport Science, Exercise and Health
at The University of Western Australia. Researchers aren’t sure why particularly tough sweat
sessions might decrease your appetite—even long after you leave the gym—but it
may have something to do with the fact that, after the most intense workouts,
participants had lower levels of ghrelin, a hormone that stimulates appetite.
The study also linked super-hard routines to higher levels of blood lactate and
blood glucose, both of which make you feel hungry when they’re too low.
I'm pretty sure -- no, I AM sure -- that I knew this already from long ago (six, seven, eight years ago...?) that intense exercise reduces appetite, and, dare I say, cravings. As for the cravings, at least it seems to work that way for me.
These first couple weeks of the new year, I've been crazy busy with work, leaving little time for exercise. Add to that these frigid cold temps, that even if I COULD squeeze in the 30-40 min window for getting my butt to the gym, I've been talking myself out of it with the argument:
"Seriously? You REALLY want to get all bundled up and go out in these stinging frigid temps? Expose your already-dry skin to that biting air? Worry with all those layers? Can't you just wait and do it tomorrow?"
And yes, with each day that passes, I find myself getting sluggier and sluggier. (Spellcheck doesn't like that word. That's too bad. It's exactly the word I'm looking for -- it's MY new word.) And, add to that, hungrier and hungrier. At least I've convinced myself that I'm hungrier. I wake up hungrier, my inner Hungry Clock goes off more often now. Lots more grazing. And increasingly sluggier.
Today I was determined to go to the gym. I had only made it there once last week. Sad. Very sad.
Enough. No excuses today. I get layered up. Grab my Kindle (to get through the cardio), water bottle, and gym bag, and head out to scrape my windshield. And off I go. Not liking it a bit, wondering why I'm doing this when I could be inside in a warm house with a cup of coffee, proofreading.
Upon returning, galvanized and on top of the world -- as usual -- I made myself a protein shake -- oh, and by the way, I've discovered a new concoction. It's a mixture of one part Vanilla Trutein and one part Mocha Trutein. Oh, yes. PERFECTION. But I digress. So yep, made the shake and grabbed a half cup of blueberries. And from the minute I began making the shake, it became painfully obvious to me, I didn't feel at all hungry. I'd only had about 250 cals with coffee for breakfast around 8 a.m. this morning while proofreading transcripts, and it was then 12:30 p.m. Not at all hungry.
If this were yesterday, I would have already had 500 cals or more (way more?) down, and would have continued with the mindless grazing.
I remain convinced. Intense exercise really does lower your appetite.
That settles it. Again! I really must get myself to the gym more often. Hell or high water ... or snow ... or frigid temps.
Just go, T. And you'll reap the endless rewards!!!
All last winter I pined not being able to wear typical wintry clothes. How I love fall and winter fashions, layers of expressions, the icing of eye-catching style. I had shoved all of my heavier fabrics further and further to the corners of my closet, keeping summer styles up front and center. It annoyed me.
My entire thirty-minute commute to the office, I'd seldom bother to even turn on the heat in the car, or if I did, it was only for the first five to seven minutes. Sadly, my collection of winter scarves hung untouched in the closet. Winter is depressing enough, but for a woman not be able to rock out the fun layers, and boots, and scarves, hats -- well, that's just a bummer.
As I pondered late fall on my Christmas wish list, a wool camel coat, in my mind was the stark reality that it too may hang in my closet, alone and unloved. A wool coat? What was I thinking? Wishful. I think that's what the holiday beckons within us, right?
But thankfully, since having gotten on HRT -- those letters still taunt me a little -- I can live normally again. Just this week I wore one of my seasonal favorites, a "wooly" charcoal knit sweater with a huge draping neckline, three-quarter ruched sleeves, and a thin very thin black long-sleeved T under it. I paired it with charcoal pants and some of my favorite fashion jewelry. I HADN'T WORN IT IN OVER TWO YEARS. I was thrilled. Simple pleasures. Just let me bundle, baby! Let me cuddle into my fluffy layers already! After all ... IT'S WINTER. IT'S COLD OUTSIDE.
And that camel coat? Well, let's just say it's feeling loved. Dress it up, dress it down... rock it out with jeans and boots, glam it up with career clothes. I wear it to work, to the grocery store, to church -- just about anywhere except to the gym. Occasionally I'll switch back to my black pea coat, or my red wool pea coat. But I'm definitely having a long-standing affair with my camel loveliness.
And I'm sleeping at night.
And I can cuddle up capriciously on any given evening in an inviting, overstuffed chair in my favorite charcoal flannel PJ bottoms with a huge beefy hoodie----cozy, carefree, contented.
I'm fighting the statistics. They say one of HRT's side effects is weight gain. The LAST thing I need. And I am fighting harder than ever to keep that from happening. Hormones are more volatile than ever at this time in my life, and their effects on appetite and metabolism can unleash a lot of havoc. But I'll keep fighting it. I'll fight harder. Sometimes you just have to find the middle ground of balance in life. And for now, sleeping through the night, making it through a work day in regular clothes without having meltdowns or having to run outside in the freezing temps just to be able to breathe, embracing cuddle weather on those long winter nights. For now, I'm realizing that I've arrived at that time in my life when now, more than ever, I have learned to appreciate the simplest things in life. One cold day at a time.
It was a week ago today that I begrudgingly stepped onto the scales to assess the damage. Friday is my "official" weigh in day, even though I will sometimes weigh mid week just to keep tabs. Down three pounds of holiday bloat -- that first week is ALWAYS the easiest and most rewarding, seeing that jump in the numbers. The second week the progress begins to slow slightly, and by the third week, the water weight gone by then, every ounce of fat loss becomes a blood-sweat-and-tears medal of honor. Monday - Cardio and Callanetics Tuesday - Legs/Glutes * Wednesday - Shoulders Abs * Thursday - Cardio and Extra Stretching Friday - Back and Abs * * Training days also included 10-20 mins of cardio.
Added to cardio playlist
love the layered dynamics at 3:30 on the counter!
As I reflect on my success the past five days, I attribute most of it to having meals prepared ahead of time -- no thinking. Done. This week I boiled chicken breasts with salt, pepper, rosemary and fresh garlic, letting them slow simmer for an hour after an initial hard boil. It keeps them moist and flavorful. After letting them cool, I shredded the chicken and stored it in the frig. Each evening I packed 4 oz of chicken into two baggies for the next day's meals at the office. I prepared one-half therecipe of Oatmeal No-Bakes Protein Bars, and I weighed out 31 g into a baggie, along with 10 almonds; this would be my quick go-to energy pick-me-upper if my BS began dropping while stuck in court -- stashed discreetly in my desk drawer in the courtroom!
Oatmeal No-Bakes...Yum
I kept a container of fresh spinach in my office frig, allowing me to have greens at each meal. For complex carbs, I prepared a large dish of rice and had sweet potatoes on hand, weighing out 3-4 oz of SP or 4 oz of rice for each day's office meals. Evenings were either chicken or tilapia and greens. Nighttime snack before bed was either a small serving of cottage cheese with 1 Tbs vanilla whey protein, 1 Tbs light Cool Whip, and 1 tsp flax mixed in; or, 1 scoop red velvet whey protein and 1 tsp nat pb.
It's Friday, and I'll loosen the reins SLIGHTLY.
My long-awaited indulgence...
well, wine, of course!
If dinner out with friends doesn't work out, I'd like to go see American Sniper. It's a bonanza at the box office this week! There are four movies showing that I wanna see, but AS would be my first pick. I love me some Bradley Cooper, and that it's based on a true story of an American hero makes it irresistible. Hoping to carve out a bit of time in late afternoon to squeeze in a 20-30 minute nap. Wintertime and naps go together like Oreos and milk...like cheese and wine...like kisses and hugs. It's been a good week. They're predicting mid 50's for tomorrow, and the plan is to build a fire on the patio and take advantage of those milder temps while they last.
My gym has a cardio movie
room, dark and dimly lit, huge screen for watching movies. I usually have my music cranked. I watch, rarely listen. Too busy jammin' to my tunes. And then we have a cardio loft that overlooks
the weight room below, with several TVs suspended from the ceiling along the
front of the cardio machines.
Historically I’ve toggled from the cardio loft to the movie room when
doing my cardio at the gym.
But for the past few weeks, I’ve
been using it for my running. I’ve
discovered it’s FAR easier on my joints and knees than running on the pavement
in our neighborhood. And yes, it gets a tad boring running around in circles, hamster-like, but as long as I have good
music on my MP3 or iPhone, I’m good to go.
I miss the fresh air...I miss the moon
-- love the moon! -- but that cushy turf is the draw!
So I’ve been working on
building up my endurance. If you don’t
run regularly, you lose your stamina.
And I want to get back to running a solid 30 minutes without stopping. So I’ve been slowly building back up. My mantra this morning…
Just breathe…
you got
this…
this is nothing…
Look at you...
you’re floating like a kite…
That's it...just breathe.
That’s what I do. Mind games.
Constant mind games, whether lifting or
cardio, when it starts to break me down, I fight back with mind games. Mantras. Self-talk. And music. Gotta have that music.
I ran for 22 minutes, then
headed to the weight room and got in 40 minutes of back and ab work, including
one hamstring/glute exercise thrown in for good measure. Circuit training, higher reps, minimal rest.
When I left the gym this
morning, I was still floating a few inches off the ground. I almost have to work at suppressing a loud and sustained “YESSSSSSSSSSS!” as I’m walking to my car. My head was clearer, my mind emptied of the
muck and misery. It’s like a Happy
shot. Yep, I gotta have that Happy
shot. Time for my Happy shot again. It’s the best medicine on the planet.
I was at Walmart a couple
of days ago -- I don’t like shopping there and avoid it as much as possible. My son insisted that we get more green Christmas lights so he could finish his masterpiece on the front lawn. So I was taking the long route from the Lawn & Garden over to the
Groceries when I passed by the TV/Electronics/DVD section. I couldn’t help but notice how crowded that
department was. And as I began checking
out the customers flocking in and around, it dawned on me. Look at them!
Every single person in that section was overweight. Noticeably overweight. And I began to ponder on that… They’re google-eyed about the TV’s, the DVD’s…
that’s THEIR medicine. They're in their glory. Give 'em a big
screen, a big comfy couch, a stack of DVD’s, a remote control, and a bag of chips, and they're in paradise.
Attention, all you
movie-watchin'
TV-addicted,
lazy, brain-numbed shoppers!
Have we got a deal for you!
Free chips and sodas with
every $50 purchase!
They don’t have a care
in the world that their pastime is exacerbating their weight problem. An endless stream of commercials, seducing them into eating more and more fattening, artery-clogging food, as they poke it in and change the channel, hour after hour,
totally oblivious to what it feels like to get up off their asses and move
every now and then, take a walk. Just.get.up.WAKE up. BREATHE!
For each their own? I guess.
But as a tax payer, I’m having to pay for their health problems that are
self-induced due to their passive lifestyles.
And that ruffles my feathers a little.
No, a lot.
I made my way to the
self-checkout lane and scanned my few items, bagged them, and finalized my
purchase. As I was gathering my three
plastic bags of items, surely no more than 2-3 seconds after the transaction
had ended, the little robot voice very emphatically snipped (yes, it snipped, I'm sure of it), “Please remove your
bags.”
I guess I was taking too
long. And I don’t waste time, for the
record. It’s the way I roll, constantly
planning my next move. Time's a wastin'.
“Please remove your bags.” Really?
I half expected the next outburst directive to be “Please get the hell out.”
I wonder how long the
robot shouts at those shoppers in the TV/Electronics department, I giggled to
myself as I headed out the door.
Oh, how I do not like being at Walmart. I was already feeling the stress beginning to
smother me. C’mon, gotta get out of
here. Just breathe and keep walking.
This time change thing is hard on an oldER woman. The older I get, the more I need to stick to routine to be at my best. Throw me a wrench and I get scatter-brained and fall to pieces. This is not a good thing. I'll only admit to it in a blog. Ask me in person and I'll vehemently deny it. I like pretending that I totally have my act together.
It's this time change, I say. This too shall pass.
I kicked my own ass on Saturday at the gym. Totally overtrained. I knew I was overdoing it when I did it. I knew it. I kept saying: You're gonna be sorry, honey child. But the warrior in me thumbed my nose at her and kept going. That night? I could hardly walk. Yet in that sick sort of way, the sadistic side of me was secretly gloating, proud of the discipline and work ethic.
So I took the day off on Sunday. Rest day.
On Monday I ran in our subdivision in lieu of the gym. Cardio day.
Tuesday I had to have my blood drawn first thing, so no morning workouts -- and no evening workout either, busting my butt all day moving all the furniture out of the living room, painting it, then moving it all back. And I decided I could manage to single-handedly move a desk out of our bedroom, down the hall, down the stairs, and into the living room -- which I'm sort of making into an office. All by myself? Really, T? The desk was MUCH heavier than I realized. And Tuesday night? Wasted!
Wednesday I managed to do 22 mins of cardio on my elliptical before work. The thought of going to the gym did not interest me in the least. Feeling weak and achy and exhausted, lifting anything remotely heavy was the last thing I wanted to do. The plan was to do cardio at some point in the evening -- walk, run, or elliptical, 20 to 25 mins. It never happened. My bones seemed to ache with lethargy. The couch was my new best friend. Even my fingers seemed to ache. I was fighting through a fog. WHAT is wrong with me, I implored to anyone who'd listen. The sullen side of my conscience kept taunting, "You're just getting old...getting worthless!" I fought with that bitch all night long. And then I finally gave up and went to bed. It's just this time change, I muttered to myself.
This morning I felt somewhat normal. Not great, but somewhat better. After my coffee and some coconut oil and whey protein, I got dressed for the gym and headed out. Can I do this? I was still doubtful. Do I even want to? No. I really didn't want to go. I felt way low on strength and energy. Cardio I could probably handle. But lifting? I don't know. We'll see.
And as is almost always the case, by the end of the hour, I was looking at my watch, wishing I could spend just a few more minutes lifting. I had gotten my energy back, my fuse relit, my fire burning hot. I'd gotten my go-get-it back. Yes indeed, I'M BACK! I shouted inwardly. Keep this lit, T.
Even the sun seemed to shine a little brighter on the way to work this morning. Maybe THAT's what I'm lacking. Light and sunshine. I should go sit on the levee by the river today, soak up the rays, and take advantage of our milder temps before the arctic air hits tomorrow.
It may take a while, getting used to the time change. Dark at 5 pm has a way of pulling me down into my pity pit. It's all the more reason why MAKING myself go to the gym is gonna keep me sane in the weeks and months ahead. I just have to get myself there, whether I wanna go or not, when I'd rather be plopped on the couch under a blanket. Just get there.
The unpredictability of hormones. The demons that haunt women, coming out of nowhere like a bat outta hell. Bam! You try to run but you can't really hide. It serves only to prolong the misery.
I TRIED to hide. It's that whole leave-me-the-hell-alone, I'm-having-a-pity-party mood thing. Retreat from all forms of life. My bones ached. My breasts get sore. My appetite goes out the roof. And I'm just a wee bit, uh, bitchy? See, the thing is, I'm supposed to be over this shit.
My last trip to the gym was last Thursday. A full week ago. We left early to go to Gavin's for his GF's graduation from Duquesne's nursing program on Friday, so no time to go then. We got home late Saturday, so that means "leg day" got skipped. Unthinkable! And Sunday was when Whormone Storm hit, and I haven't been quite right since.
(Note: He's working toward his first body building show this fall!!! MOMMA'S SO PROUD!)
So, I dragged my ass out the door on Tuesday morning for HIIT cardio outdoors, thinking it best not to inflict my misery on others around me. Being out in the morning air in solitude seemed like a better plan. I ran eight intervals on the hill in our subdivision, walking back down the hill for recovery. On my way back to our house I did intervals of 20 walking lunges, brisk-walk recovery for one minute; repeat; until I'd done 100 walking lunges. A total cardio workout of 40 mins. Felt great. By the end of the day, I still wasn't feeling my best.
On Wednesday, more of the same. Still fighting demons. So I decided to do light stretching, then 20 minutes of Callanetics -- a very focused, mind-to-muscle session, remembering why I love this workout so much; followed by 23 minutes of Turbo Jam Cardio Party to get my heart rate elevated and torch some fat. I dropped into bed last night weary to the bone, frustrated that I felt so out of sync with myself, and determinted to go to the gym on Thursday, regardless of how tired (or bitchy) I felt.
This morning, exiting my hideaway, I made it to the gym, beginning with 10 minutes on the elliptical, and then promptly launching a metabolic shoulders and ab workout, no resting between exercises:
Lateral raises, 4 sets, 10 reps
Bicep curls, 4 sets, 10 reps
Rear delt flyes, 4 sets, 10 reps
Supersetted with V-Up double-crunches (15) and raised-leg-lift/twists (15) with the an inflated exercise ball.
Then...
Seated DB presses, 3 sets, 10 reps
Isolated bicep curls, 3/10
Lateral throws/squats, 3/15
Supersetted with a circuit of side plank crunches (20 per side) and 1-minute planks, no rests between exercises.
Halfway through my workout my second wind kicked in and I was running high octane, flying like a kite, my aches and pains and bitchiness conquered by my euphoria. Oh, the music...! Eau yeah. Where's that volume control....! Yep, life IS good afterall.
I wish everyone on the planet could experience this kind of high. We'd have far fewer overweight, disease-ridden masses. It's absolutely the best drug anybody could ask for. There is none better.
Dig outta your cave, outta your hideway, crank up the tunes, and just get at it.
For the last two or three years I've had on and off pain and discomfort in my posterior hip/glute area, towards top/center hip. It was mildly annoying, and would flare up without warning, last anywhere from a few minutes to several minutes, and then resolve itself. As flareups became more frequent and intense, I learned that a few sets of high knees and/or step ups on a bench would help to alleviate the soreness and I'd be good to go.
Lately, the flareup has not gone away. It's become more frequent (every few days or so) and it lasts longer, returning even after I do the exercises that have helped alleviate the soreness before. I suspected overtraining and not enough stretching (both before and after) had caused the symptoms to escalate. I knew it was time to take this a little more seriously. AND STRETCH! EVERY DAY! NO MORE EXCUSES.
In my research, I've now learned that the "spot" that has been giving me the problem is my gluteus medius muscle, and that I likely have a degree of piriformis syndrome. I was able to find some videos online demonstrating piriformis stretches that can help to alleviate and relax the strained/inflamed muscles. It is suggested to do these three x a day for best results to relieve the soreness, and then every so often to maintain the flexibility. Ironically, many of these "positions" or stretches are part of the Callanetics exercises ---- that HAD I BEEN DOING MORE REGULARLY would have likely alleviated the flareups, or at least their frequency. HEED THE CALL, T. Hit the floor and STRETCH!
These are the main four stretches that help with this problem,
along with contemporaneous hamstring stretches.
So this morning at the gym, after 18 mins of steady light cardio -- not too much resistance on the elliptical -- I began with piriformis and hamstring stretches, then I did the following leg and glute workout, far less weight than I normally work with, but increased reps, and very slow and controlled movements. Each set was followed by a set of stretches, alternating each set of exercises with a set of stretches, for a total of 40 mins.
Leg press, 30 reps, 90 lbs, 4 sets
Single leg press, 15 reps each, 35 lbs, 3 sets
Donkey kickbacks/lateral kicks/heel to ceiling pulses on a bench, 12 reps per side, 4 sets, each followed by child's pose
Hyperextension stretches/hold, bodyweight, 8 reps
Single-leg glute bridges on a bench, body weight, 15 reps each, 3 sets
Single-leg squats with foot on bench, bodyweight, 20 reps per leg, 1 set
When I left the gym, I noticed my gluteal muscles that HAD been tight and painful were feeling warm ... and relaxed ... and .....well, yummy & pampered! Though I had worked the glutes, hams and quad muscles, they felt supple and warm and relaxed. I had not gotten my heart rate up as high as I usually do when working lower body musculature, but my mission was specific -- more about therapy and healing.
I've learned a few things about my body. I've learned I can't take flexibility and range of motion for granted. I can't cut corners. I'm not as young as I used to be and recovery is not a given. There will be hell to pay if I don't take the time to stretch both before and after my workouts and my running.
My running will be on hold for a while to allow time for this to pass, giving my muscles some time to recover and heal. Is it an inconvenience? Yes. But it's a very good lesson learned.
Oh. And I will be sure to incorporate my Callanetics routine EVERY single week, without fail. No excuses. My personal best health and fitness goals depend on it.
It occurred to me that I've forgotten to follow up with my onerous hot flash posts, here and here, that I'd been struggling with since the first of the year.
I'd ordered this cream off Amazon -- Mendapause? -- that had gotten great reviews for relieving hot flashes. For me it did absolutely NOTHING. Waste of money.
I'd tried the NOW menopause supplement. No help at all.
Then, lo and behold, just before my last visit with my doctor, I had begun digging deeper in my research on black cohosh and reading more reviews -- I love to read reviews. The NOW supplement had 80 mgs of black cohosh, and since that supplement had failed, I just assumed that a black cohosh supplement would be another waste of money. The reviews I read, however, were recommending far greater dosages for effectiveness, with reminders that it may take up to two full weeks before it begins to take effect. In my desperation, I decided to give it a try. I wanted my life back, and I was ready to go to the ends of the earth in search of relief.
Black cohosh did the trick. I found MY fix. I began taking six 540 mg gel capsules over the course of the day. (I'm now taking three gel capsules a day.) It took about ten days -- just as the reviews had said -- before it began making a noticeable difference, but with each passing day, my hot flashes became more and more tolerable. Now they go almost unnoticed. Occasionally I'll feel a bit warm or flushed, but NOTHING compared to the volcanic infernos that I was experiencing before, the sweat oozing from my pores, dripping down my back -- OMG. It was horrible! And at all hours, day and night, several times a day.
GONE!
I'm ecstatic to have found a cure. I can sleep now. I can wear winter clothes now. I don't have to be embarrassed in the courtroom at the sudden onset of a scorching hot flash. No more running out to the back porch gasping for air in single-digit temps. I feel normal again!!! Even my moodiness has improved. It's almost too good to be true. I just hope this lasts! An occasional meltdown? Yeah, sure. I can handle that. But if this overall improvement restores my quality of life, I will never go another day without it.
Though I like reading reviews, I rarely take the time to POST reviews. That is, unless I'm very passionate about a product. When a product truly delivers, totally meets or exceeds my expectations, it deserves stage time. I submitted my 5-star review to Amazon just yesterday.
I've begun to tell every middle-age woman I know about black cohosh. And what's even better? It's not only good for hot flashes, it packs a loaded punch for tons of other health benefits -- excerpts from this website's link here:
Black Cohosh Benefits
1.Kidney Health-Black cohosh was used by the Native Americans extensively for this purpose.
2.Rheumatism-This is another traditional use for this amazing medicinal herb.
3.To Aid in Labor-Black cohosh was used during the 1850′s by the Eclectics to help with labor and delivery.
4.Muscle Pain-There are currently several patent remedies for this containing black cohosh in Europe and Australia.
5.Sedative-Black cohosh is considered by many modern herbalists to be a sedative.
6.Coughs and Colds-Black cohosh was a common remedy of the Cherokee and the Iroquois for the treatment of these conditions.
7.Diuretic-Black cohosh extract is said by many modern practitioners to help rid the body of excess water weight.
8.Antioxidant-Black cohosh is an extremely potent antioxidant. Antioxidants work by neutralizing free radical that cause damage to cells and DNA.
9.Headaches-Black cohosh extract was used during the 1850′s by the Eclectics for the treatment of this painful condition.
10.PMS, Menstrual Pain, and Cramps-This amazing herb was listed in the United States Pharmacopoeia from 1820 to 1920 for the treatment of these conditions.
11.Inflammation-Black cohosh is a general anti inflammatory. Total body inflammation is now being recognized as a factor in many diseases including cardiovascular disease and cancer.
12.Menopausal Symptoms-Black cohosh has shown significant benefits for almost every symptom related to menopause. A study conducted showed that after only 4 weeks of treatment with black cohosh, study participants showed improvements in almost all parameters of menopausal symptoms. No black cohosh side effects were reported. After 8 weeks, all symptoms were gone in approximately 50% of the patients, and were very much improved in 40% of the patients. Overall improvement rates ranged from 76% to 93% of patients
There are times when there's just way too much STUFF in my head, on my
heart, weighing me down. I’m not
special. We all have it. People have issues. It’s the stuff of life. But I think women have it worse -- no, I
KNOW we have it worse. From the day we
took our first breath until the day we take our last. We pay dues.
One of the reasons I blog is that it offers a vessel into
which I can empty myself when my drains get clogged and the overflow proves
detrimental to my very sanity. It helps. Getting it all out of my brain, out of my heart, and
onto “paper” -- cyber paper, that is, it assuages the pain. Though far more transparent than keeping a diary, blogging can still be almost as cathartic. That
is, if the words will form. And when they
don’t -- for whatever reason -- I feel involuntarily stifled. The weight of the STUFF that needs to be
purged bogs me down both mentally and physically. Try as I might, the words simply won’t
form. My voice gone. It's empty. I'm silenced.
Enough. I can't hold my breath forever. I need to exhale. I decided it was time to just sit down and … as Ernest
Hemingway puts it -- Bleed.
I think about all the times when I was younger hearing "the old people" say things like "getting old sucks,” or “getting
old is not for sissies.” I'd think
to myself: Uh-huh. Yeah, I guess. Hmmm.
Bummer. But I always wondered to myself what those words really meant.
It's not that I think of myself as
invincible. Time doesn't stand still
for any of us. We all grow old eventually. But the goal, hopefully, is to try slowing the pace and easing into it. Well, as they say: I didn't see it coming! I didn’t realize that [it] would send a jolt my way like a bucket of ice water in my face --
or maybe I should say, a cup of steaming coffee? The horrors of menopause from the past 4 to 6 weeks, arriving like a bat out of hell, have literally robbed me of my identity. I don't even know who I am anymore. I look in the mirror and see a stranger. An unfriendly one. This is not who I want to be! Menopause has affected my sleep,
my energy levels, my sex drive, my mood, my tolerance levels, and most of all my joie de vivre. My typical method of unloading a bad hand, the "shit" of life, has been getting myself to the gym for a good sweat. But in these past several weeks, that hasn't worked as effectively. And now I think I know why.
With no energy and not enough rest, people can expect to morph into a most unpleasant version of themselves. Increasingly fatigued, I couldn't find the energy to work out and was far grumpier
than usual. It dawned on me this morning
that I have not had a good night’s rest in over a month. I'm usually up two, three, four times a night for several minutes at a time, sometimes for over an hour. Hot flashes, sleeplessness, whatever.
Just can’t sleep. Can’t
rest. Toss, turn, get up, lie back down. Go downstairs. Try again. Repeat. And I wonder why I have no
energy? Angry, annoyed and confused, I hurdle insults at myself:
Why I can’t get myself to the gym?
Why am I overeating more than usual?
Why am I craving carbs more than usual?
Why is (he) getting on my nerves?
Why do I feel so sad?
Why am I so tired?
Why does winter seem darker than usual?
Why does food not taste good anymore?
Why do I not want to be around people?
Why do I feel like I'm suffocating?
It’s been a domino effect. When we don’t sleep well, our cortisol levels
go out the roof. which triggers increased hunger and a slower metabolic
rate. As a result, extra fat is stored,
making us even MORE sluggish. Low on energy and unsatiated, we then eat more, both out of boredom and ensuing hunger, and the cycle continues.
I was trying to do pushups the other evening in the family
room floor. Really??? I was shocked and mad as hell at myself that I
couldn’t do my normal set of 20-25. I
got to 15, and not without a struggle -- and gave up. You're a pitiful mess, I said to myself. What the hell is wrong with you!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yesterday afternoon, after losing my temper with my son over
an incident, the last straw that made me snap following a series of other repeated feuds with him (I used the F word with him twice!!! I never use the F word in
front of my kids!!!), I realized that I needed to get him home then get a grip and get the hell out of the house, go somewhere and diffuse. Immediately. I drove to the park and sat in
my car in silence for several minutes. The sun was beginning to set over the hill, and I was fixated on its beauty and calming effect on me. I sat there in my car for over an hour. It was too cold to get out of my car, and I wasn't dressed to go tromping through the snow and ice to a nearby picnic table or bench. I eventually switched on my
Pandora app and just sat there staring blankly into the sky, listening to soft
music. What now? The sycamore and birch trees stood tall and majestic, their gleaming white bark upstaging the surrounding rows of dark green pine and other bare-branched deciduous species. My medicine. Temperatures dropping, I
watched as clouds formed and drifted in front of the setting sun. Frustrated with myself for having lost my
temper with my son, I felt powerless.
I'm broken. I want fixed.
I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t
want to cook dinner. I didn't want to hear the TV. I didn't want to face the dimly lit evening winter hours ahead. I didn’t want to do
chores, or laundry, or engage in conversation with anyone. I didn’t want to be asked how my day was when
my husband arrived home. I didn’t want
to talk about everything that was bothering me, at how angry I was at myself
for allowing a simple thing like menopause issues to have such a stronghold on
me. Silenced. I either couldn’t or wouldn’t give voice to my frustrations. I didn’t feel like justifying my behavior or attempting to explain [again] my apparent apathy and aloofness.
No
voice. Silenced. I couldn’t even put the sentence together in
my head.
The only words that felt right forming on my lips …
What’s FUCKING wrong with me?
Leave me the hell alone.
After the sun had set and darkness began filling my world, I
knew I couldn’t put it off any longer. I
had to go home. Hunger hit out of nowhere. I'm not cooking, I said to myself. I stopped and grabbed a
few hot n spicy wings. They hit the
spot. I needed KICK. Actually, what I needed was a KICK START. But what, where, and how?
I pulled into the driveway.
I walked in the house. I tersely
answered the impending rhetorical questions.
I gave my side of the story regarding the argument I’d had with my son, defiantly
defending myself -- the words were beginning to spill, it seemed. Yikes.
I
announced that I was going upstairs to read.
Translated: Leave me alone. After changing clothes and getting ready for
bed -- at 7:30! -- I crawled into bed and began to read. I read for about an hour, and then fell
asleep. I woke up an hour later feeling
entirely exhausted and desperate for more rest.
My doctor had given me a prescription to help with night sweats a few
weeks ago, and after the third night and no
results, I’d given up on it. I decided
last night to take two instead of one, hoping that it would offer me
a bit of relief.
When I woke up this
morning, just before my alarm went off, it hit me. I was ecstatic. I’ve slept through the night! For the first time in HOW LONG?
I actually felt rested.
Having been so depleted of rest and energy, it had been over a week
since I’d been to the gym in the mornings.
Today was different, thankfully. I decided to give it a go.
I made coffee, changed clothes, and off I went, managing to get in 25 mins of
leg/glute work and 18 mins of cardio on the elliptical. High volume, low weight, to really get my
heart rate up but still challenge the muscle. EAU YEAH. Feeling good so far! Simple pleasures. Thankful to
feel somewhat alive again, I grabbed my gym bag and headed home.
The sun was shining, the temperatures had
risen to a balmy 34 already, and it was Friday.
Physically, I felt halfway decent for the first time in weeks. One hurdle down, a few more to go. But I’ll take this. I’ll
most definitely take it and celebrate.
After all, it is winter. It’s
been damn cold, dark, ugly, and life is beyond dull right now. Add to all of that the onset of relentless
hot flashes and sleepless nights, and I guess I can expect to lose my temper,
my sense of joy. I’ve gotta work through
this somehow. Women go through this all
the time. I’m not special. I’ve got to find my way. I have so much to be thankful for. This is no way to live.
My son had already left for school when I pulled in the
driveway on my way back from the gym. I had already decided to apologize to him for losing
my temper. I grabbed my phone and texted
my apology to him with an extra dose of sincerity, ending the text with “I love
you.” No response. I proceeded to get ready for my day.
Just before heading out the door
to drive to work, my phone alerted a text.
It was him. He said he was sorry
for being so disrespectful lately, ending his text with those three most
precious words:
“I love
you.”
It made my day. It fixed me. For now at least.
I feel rested.
Finally. I can smile again. It feels good to exhale, to purge, to bleed from the heart.
