The White Noise of Winter

I've always been a seasonal sort of woman, embracing each, patient till the next.

In later years, I've become -- well, less patient.  I'm pretty sure it's a vitamn D thing.  The older I get the more I need.  My deficit accumulates, and I suddenly feel an overwhelming sense of suffocation.  Immobile.  Fuzzy-brained.  Apathy and indifference to things that normally captivate me.

The monotony of winter's cold air and the lack of sunlight seem to have a deafening effect on my ability to stay focused, stay positive, move forward.  Beginning as an elegy, it finds crescendo in the increasing frequency of frigid temperatures, dismal gray days, lifeless black and white landscapes blanketed with dry and biting winds, leafless trees, brittle yellow grass -- or no grass at all.  Day after day.  BLEAK and DEAFENING.  A forte of winter's white noise.

Driving home from a job last week, I was thankful to see a cloudless, sunny sky.  Despite the deceiving cold outside temperatures, driving down the highway I opened my sun roof and stretched my face to the sky, lusting for the warmth of the sun's rays on my face.  Drinking down every.glorious.drop.  And with every second that passed, an opaque veil began to lift from my eyes, cobwebs began shredding and loosening from my mind, and deep, stirring energy was restored to every nuance of my being, all negative thoughts dissipating.  Gone.

And for the next several minutes, the white noise of winter was defeated with the distant sounds of spring and summer.....
children's laughter, water splashing, waves crashing, live music on the levee, seagulls squawking...
Enveloped in an allegro of all things summer.

Spring is on the horizon.
Let me just hang on a while longer as I learn to navigate and silence the white noise.

Time Doesn't Wait

It's been so long.  So little time.   Revered time to myself.   An evanescent commodity.  My heart longs to "bleed," quoting Hemingway, but I can't seem to carve out time for such luxuries.

Obligations take priority now.  How did that happen, and why now?

This doesn't feel right.  And my soul is out of sync.

I can at least offer snapshots, peeks into my heart, vignettes that have brought joy to my life.  It's all I have for now.

Autumn morning mist at the lake

Simple shot of bull pine cones in West Virginia

Cenacolo

North Huntingdon, Pennsylvania

Hello? Anybody home?

I haven't looked to see when I last posted here. 

I know it's been several months.  A year?  Nah.  Not that long.  Surely not. 

What matters is that I bring it back, this thing called purging of the soul.  What did Hemingway say?  "There is nothing to writing.  All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed."

I came to bleed.  Bleed my thoughts, my blessings, my fears, my memories, my dreams, my life as I know it now.  Pieces.  Bits and pieces at a time until I find my rhythm again.  To try to catch up where I left off in one -- even a few, or a handful of posts --  is far too overwhelming. 

A day at a time. 
A dream at a time
A word at a time. 
While I find my way back home to my heart's whispers.

Hello.  I'm home!

[Part of] Life

Although it's October,

the summer is holding on desperately,

selfishly.

I wanted cooler temps when I arrived at the lake.

I wanted a fire.

And a glass of wine.

I wanted to see a little color.

And I whined for a couple of days 

while Mother Nature

ruled with high humidity and a middle 90's heat index.

In October???

And then I gave in to the lake.

I should have known I'd find solace there.

A breeze.

Air and balance and quietude.

Wow.

Was it ever peaceful!

I pretty much had the lake to myself.

Just me, the birds, and a butterfly.

And my speaker...

playing Neil Young's Harvest Moon.

Oh, my.

Stop whining, T.

Count your blessings.

Lake life is awesome!

Project:  Painted my wicker chairs driftwood.  Love.

Light a candle...just...wherever. 

Inside, outside, all around.

Learning to Focus

So only a few days away from the big day.  Time has flown by, as it always does -- it won't wait around.  It's why setting a goal and putting a date with it is so crucial.

Having applied countless lessons of my past to setting my goal for losing 15 pounds by the wedding day -- my middle son to his college sweetheart -- I realize that my focus wasn't always what it needed to be.  But I've made progress, and it's best that I now focus on that, the positive -- decent progress -- rather than focusing on my having fallen short of my goal.

I began the Monday after the Fourth of July weekend, hoping to lose 15 pounds by wedding day. I've lost 9.5.  So am I going to stew over the 4.5 pounds I DIDN'T lose? Frankly, I am a little pissed at myself for having lost focus several times over the past several weeks and giving in to emotional eating.  Had I stayed with it, focused more, eye on the target, PUSHED, I would have made it.  But it is what it is, and I'm just glad that I've come this far.  The fact that I have more pounds to lose (for my own personal goal, regardless of an event) is not going to keep me from enjoying every minute of this grand celebration of a young couple's new life together.  Let's have us a wedding!  My son is getting married!  I still can't believe it's really happening.

So I tried on my dress yesterday -- I returned the charcoal gray one, having found a taupe one I liked better, lacy with little blingy sequins all throughout -- and decided that it's a good thing I DIDN'T totally blow my goal.  This dress is certainly not forgiving.  It clings and fits like a glove.  It shows every little curve.  YIKES.  But I'm happy with my selection, satisfied that I've given at least 75% effort.  It's all good. And so here's a toast ......to everlasting love......and I'm gonna sing and dance and laugh and cry and celebrate that my son is going to marry the love of his life.

Wasn't it just yesterday that my little guy was waddling along the shore, 

picking up sea shells and sand 

and thrusting them into the ocean, 

clapping and laughing joyfully 

with that deep belly laugh he had

 ... I hear him 

... I see him

... How can this be?

The next order of business:  Trying very hard not to cry during the Mother of the Groom dance.  It's a sappy one.  I would have preferred upbeat, but for whatever reason he doesn't seem to have much rhythm (we practiced a few months ago -- tragic!), so we're going with a slow one.  Heather Headley's "Wish for You."

Focus, T.  I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry ...

Marry Me

She asked if I would mind helping with the decorations for the reception.

Would I MIND?

Silly girl.

And so it's been a work in progress...collecting bits and pieces here and there...brainstorming for the PERFECT look...bleaching pine cones...collecting acorns...harvesting timber off the farm...and on and on and on...

It will be a Catholic wedding, themed with The Love Chapter, 1 Corinthians 13...with whispers of Irish blessing.  They want woodsy, rustic elegance.  WRE.   The advent of an eclectic style...?

And I've had a blast crafting!  Give me a project, give me a sign...I'm on it.

A dining room transformed to craft room

 ...for the cupcake and candy table...

...she wanted to honor Mom...

(sniff)

themed table numbers

and amen...

Maple Majesty

  

My neighbor has the most stunning maple tree ...

the zenith of the neighborhood--

and I'm in love!

Could autumn be any more beautiful?

 this smorgasbord of color and awesomeness

it is all I need and want

Maintain Your Mystery

Another yes moment.

Predictable in her unpredictability.

It's on the way.

I could feel it remarkably alive in me this morning.

I think the soul knows when fall is approaching.

Autumn Souls, that is.

Of which I am most certainly.

The senses heighten and multiply.

Yet I wonder...

Could not our senses respond in succession

to autumn's advent being first manifested within the soul?

Appeasing my senses,

my soul is allowed to speak. 

Quiet Synchronicity

That feeling when you read or hear something and you instinctively respond,

YES!!!

THEY ALWAYS COUNT.

Traveler

Time for a road trip,

perhaps.

Forgiven

One Breath, One Kiss, One Touch

And who of note entered this world on January 7th?

It's been mentioned in my blog before, but worth an encore because

I absolutely adore his quote.

It's quiet in the house.

I'm listening to Mozart.  It just feels right at the moment.

And my coffee is like a blanket around a shivering heart.

The nose dive in temps begins today.

Slightly concerned, since Zach's flight leaves tomorrow morning,

and he is to catch his next connection in Chicago,

not the balmiest of airports.

We were discussing his visits for this year.

He's in a wedding in June.

He's in a wedding in October,

And he'll be in Gavin's wedding, of course, in ...

well, that's yet to be decided.

She wants mid November.

He's saying he would have to fly in, attend the wedding, 

and fly back the next day if it were held in November.

I looked him in the eye and said,

"Here's the way it is.  Gavin is your brother.

He gets married once in his life, we all hope.

His wedding trumps your teaching.

Find a sub.  Work it out.

You do what you have to do."

He had a group of friends over last night around 7:30

and fixed them a Japanese dish that he'd learned to prepare.

Cabbage, pork, veggies, sauce(s).

Meh.

I'm glad I don't live in Japan.

Our culinary cultures are so drastically different.

It's worked out well for him because he maintains a healthy weight this way.

I wonder if he's feeling the squeeze,

all of his friends getting married.

And now his younger brother.

What's going on in his head...

In his heart...

It remains a mystery.

It's been a good couple of weeks with him.

And now...2015.

Changes.

Beginnings.

I feel as if I'm sitting in a darkened theater,

amid hushed voices,

waiting for this long-awaited film to begin on the big screen in front of me,

without even a clue of what I'm about to see.

She Said Yes

It was December 29th.

I'd waited all day for the call.

Or a text.

Nothing.

The ring was to have arrived in time for Christmas.

It was to be her Christmas present,

his proposal planned for Christmas Day evening

after she arrived home from work.

But it didn't arrive on time.

And not the day after.

Nor the next day.

I knew how disappointed he was.

What was she thinking?

No gifts from her lover on Christmas?

Late that night I heard my cell phone ring,

awaking me from slumber.

And my heart began to race with excitement.

And I smiled.

Because I knew.

I had had to keep quiet for so long.

Sworn to secrecy.

ME:  Hello? (trying to sound alert)

HER:  I'M GOING TO BE THE NEW MRS. D!

Her excitement and giddiness squeezed my heart.

And we laughed

and cried a little

and laughed some more.

I could hear him laughing in the background.

And on she talked,

her voice soaring, song-like.

There was a punctuation of congratulations 

amid the exchanges of chatter

and laughter

and excitement.

And she loved it,

her ring.

"It's BEAUTIFUL!  He knew exactly what I wanted."

I know.

As I said goodbye, I told her that I loved her.

And she said, "I love you too, Mom."

And when I ended the call, I laid back on my pillow

and penned this love note to them in my head,

and then on a note pad.

And I sent it to them via text.

And with a sigh, I laid my head back down on my pillow,

and silent tears fell...

There would be no sleeping for me tonight.

My son had found the love of his life.

And there was going to be a wedding.

And my life -- all our lives -- would never be the same.

Thy Bounty

Sometimes you never know the true value of a moment

until it becomes a memory.

I had an opportunity to take the day off.

My soul needed this day.

It serves us to take inventory in solitude.

My heart has been frayed a bit lately,

missing my sons.

My mom.

A photo, a card, a keepsake.

Even an old coffee mug...

I'm such a silly sentimental fool!

I've already been making a list

of the endless blessings in my life...

what number was I on?

I've lost count

Things so undeserved.

It is good to pause and put it all in perspective.

Morning Air

He is a creature of habit.  You can set your clock to his routine.  After getting his first cup of coffee, he heads directly outside.  The outside temperature has no relevance and is never a deterrent.  On a clear day, he’ll often sit on the patio.  If it's raining, he’ll sit on the porch.  All that matters to him is being outside in the morning air.  His retreat.  His connection to nature.  

He drinks his coffee in silent communion as he looks around.  I often wonder what goes through his head those first several minutes of sanctuary.  Raised on a farm and an avid hunter, the ambient noises that may go unnoticed to most people are intrinsic measures of his inner assemblage.  He wouldn’t -- doesn’t -- miss a thing, not a sound, however imperceptible.  As one of the most observant people I’ve ever known, it is a subconscious inventory of his surroundings, whenever, wherever, whatever he is doing.   

After the first several minutes of meditation, he begins checking the stock market on his phone. Clockwork.  I’ll see him look up now and then and off into the distance.  I can almost watch his cog wheels turning.  Deep in thought, his mental gymnastics provide new and revised blueprints for his plans, his goals…the days and weeks ahead…the next chapter.  Methodical and practical -- relentlessly predictable -- he lives and breathes black and white.  Unlike his wife ...

...the restless happy dreamer.

He knows it.  I know it.  We have even argued over it -- way too many times.

They say opposites attract.  

But they also say it's not how incompatible you are, it's how you deal with that incompatibility.  

But we seem to have found our common venue.  The morning air... where all our differences seem to dissipate into the mist.  

All things are made new again.

FNL - Toss the Feathers

The label is what caught my attention.

Not as full-bodied as I prefer...

but I had no choice.

I had to try THIS wine.

Sometimes it's a phrase

or a song

a lyric

a whisper

a capturing of the heart.

And we just hold on.

There's something about autumn

that draws me to Celtic music.

Toss the Feathers.

Another one of those had-to-have-it yearnings.

So don't waste this.  Maximize the screen.

Turn the volume up.

And be happy.

It's Friday.

Dreams

It's always fascinated me, our dreams.  Why we dream what we dream.  What is its significance?  And why?  What in our hearts, minds, memories, experiences calls forth the fables and fantasies in slumber.  Our body is in repose, but our minds are far from dormant.

Dreams of anxiety, fears, fantasies, romance, non-sensical adventures, goals, friends, family, childhood, travel ... and on and on.

And what of recurring dreams?  What precipitates this besiege?

It is not of our own volition.  

No control can be exercised over this involuntary intrusion 

into the deepest parts of us, at our most vulnerable.  

Unconscious.  

We cannot resolve to stopping the insanity.  

It comes uninvited, unannounced, and when we least expect it.  

I've been dreaming of mom lately.  More than usual.  I miss her at times to the point of wanting to scream out in pain from the emptiness I'm left with in her absence.

I miss you, Mom.

Can you hear me?

Do you know how much I miss you?

I need to know that you are happy.

That all YOUR dreams have come true in heaven.

The dreams that never came true here on earth.

I wish I could have done more for you.

I've written a zillion love letters to you in my dreams.

Do you ever get them?  

Climactic Splendor

All that glitters...

Morning Ramblings & Restoration

The alarm (barking dogs) goes off.  And I think to myself, No!  Not yet.  I want to finish this dream...Yeah, right, it's not even a good dream...but I'm sleeping so good....just...let...me...lay...here.......

Next thought:  I could just skip today and go to the gym tomorrow ... And then that very loud and annoying voice in my head screeches:
GET 
YOUR ASS UP 
AND YOUR BODY VERTICAL.

Surely everyone in the neighborhood heard that rude and nasty voice.

Grumbling to myself, I head to the bathroom to pee...so thirsty...really thirsty...so tired...where's the coffee...one thought bleeds into another in one big blur.

I grab my gym gear, clothes, shoes, etc., all packed into a small carry bag to make it easier to descend the stairs at dark-thirty without tripping and falling and waking up everyone in the house.

Heading downstairs, I notice the thick layer of condensation on the windows. Ugh.  More of the same mugginess again today...for how many days now?...okay, enough, I'm so over this mugginess...fall weather would be really nice about now.

Feeling a noticeable soreness in my back muscles, I'm reminded of yesterday morning's deadlifts.  My first internal smile of the day.  Yes.  This is good.  My motivation is reinforced, reminding me of why I'm awake at this hour.

I head straight to the coffee pot.  I drink two full glasses of water, take my B complex, my 7 Keto DHEA and my black cohosh.  I pour my coffee, add my fat-free half-n-half...blending it, the creamy white fusing with the dark and rich coffee...such a pretty color...it makes me happy.  Drinking my Jolt of Goodness, I think to myself:  I'd like a leather purse this awesome shade...the ones I've pinned on Pinterest...any of those will do just fine...

I head to the bathroom and splash my face with cool water, then stare at myself in the mirror.  I really don't like mirrors at this hour.  Grimacing, I look away and put on my gym clothes and shoes.

I stretch.  It feels wonderful...the tension willingly leaves my body ... It will be mostly cardio today, I say to myself, feeling bloated from the mindless picking at leftovers we brought home from the Labor Day picnic at my nephew's.  Always too much food at gatherings, always leftovers.  It's the reckless, shortsighted munching of those leftovers... just a bite of this, just a bite of that...okay, so another bite...and then just a sliver...it all adds up to a lethargic fog, a waddle effect.  I gotta pull in the reins the rest of the week, very tight, very low carbs ... rid myself of this extra water retention.  Something tells me I won't see a loss on the scale again this week.  And if I don't, who do I blame?  Moi.

Time for a quick check of emails, followed by my daily devotions and scripture.  God's Word rains down on my mind and heart, washing away the weariness and filth ... feeding me with clarity ... like rain to a wilted and tired flower ... and I'm restored and strengthened with hope.

I begin to pray.  The Windham Hill station on Pandora plays softly in the background as I talk with God.  The gentle music slows me down, allowing me to totally bleed out my heart to Him, stripping away the pretense and rhetoric, calling forth my utmost genuine praise and thanksgiving, releasing the grip on my fears and my worries. The amazing power of music... filling the empty pauses of our lives when words either can't or won't form... when words sometimes just are not enough.

I prepare my BCAA's in my water bottle, grab my keys, my gym bag, and switch off the lights just before heading out the door.  It is dark out, the air heavy, the stillness invigorating.  I'm thankful to be awake.  My mind is clear and made up.  I am resolved.  It is a new day.

Cry If You Need To

(Thank you...!)

I had promised myself that I would be strong.

Calm.

No tears.

Repose and grace and courage.

Confident I could hold it together.

It didn't work out quite that well.

Close...but not entirely.

Try as I might,

the tears came anyway.

But they were followed with a smile!

The smile was for both of us,

reassurances

that our lives were completely and totally

in His loving Hands.

...the pools in those blue eyes...

That sure didn't help any.

But the love we felt for each other

at that very moment

transcended any need for words.

Our souls spoke for us.

He's been in the air for one hour and 49 minutes.

And now I'm getting back to my life.

Maybe it's a good thing that I'm in trial today.

Distractions anesthetize.

And so I wait for his call sometime tomorrow,

when the sound of his voice

will galvanize my resolve.