Friday Night Live

It's frustrating to me when I want to purge in my blog, yet life gets in the way and there just isn't enough time.  Thoughts... all these thoughts and words and just STUFF that pops in my head that I want to write about.  They fill up my head and then have nowhere to go... when I'm too busy to write.  The need to purge, to breathe, to exhale to empty.  It's what sets it apart.  Don't just write...one must write from the heart.



I try to remember to jot reminders on my NOTE app on my iPhone.

Don't let this escape, I say to myself...

 

I'm headed to PA this weekend to see my son -- first time in two months.

We have tickets to see the Pirates vs. Cardinals on Sunday!!!

Woooohoooo.

I was thinking the other morning as I was getting dressed for work:

What could top this, getting to see this high-energy game with my family?

And then my mind darted instantly to music.

Imagine that.

Of course music is gonna have something to do with the perfect dream.

I imagined Toni Braxton singing the Star Spangled Banner at the game.

Right!  Toni Braxton?

Dream on, T.

 

It's fun to dream.

 

(Pause...for a sip of wine)

Delish.

 

Checking off things on my day's agenda, one by one.

It's been a day of accomplishments as well as relaxing.

I'm blessed to have been able to take the day off...have this day to myself.

For myself.
I sleep in.  I leisurely lather in coffee.  Then I head to the gym and kick ass.
I Skype with Zach...!!!...
(imagine my heart on a playground swing, riding high as the clouds...how high can I go?)

 

Among the other things I managed to accomplish?

Homemade macaroni & cheese for Son #3.

Oh, he's gonna kiss my feet for this stuff!

I gloat.

 

(Another sip of wine)

 

But the list is not finished...there's more to do

before heading out to his football game tonight.

So.  I will end with some live music to kick off the weekend

from one of my favorite artists.

 

Can you imagine having a gift such as this?

Where DOES that voice come from?

 

Happy Friday, World.

Sing like nobody's listening...

 

 

 





What's That Sound?

It's the echo of more empty rooms than there used to be in our house.  Coming to terms with first Gavin graduating from college, and only weeks later being offered promising employment in the Pittsburg area, then Zach leaving for Japan to teach for a year (or more...?), it's been a slow and heart-numbing process. 

Moving Day



I've tried very hard not to dwell on it.  We've raised our sons to be independent and hungry for life, and they've rewarded us with applying themselves through college and beginning down the path of each of their futures with fearless, undaunted anticipation.  All set.  They've launched.  Their rooms lie empty and hollow, discarded pieces of their past strewn around here and there.  Remnants.  Reminders of their youth.  Of yesterday.  I avoid those rooms.  I don't need to see those reminders.  The hole in my heart is proof enough.

I've done a pretty good job at disguising the hole.  It's like when the hem in your pants leg comes loose at the office, you've no needle or thread, so you grab some packing tape (I even used staples once !  YES.I.DID.), do a little improv quick-mending, and then carry on, head held high, maintaining the as-you-were confident stride...nothing is amiss -- don't let 'em see you sweat:  I'm good.  I got this.  Movin' on here...

And that's where my mind has been these days, seeking out diversions to disguise the tearing that's begun around the edges of the heart.  (Got tape?)  Besides, I still have Colton and his adolescent moodiness to keep me distracted and busy and -- well, rather annoyed mostly.  Honestly.  No respect!  And I'm supposed to know how to read his mind daily, of course. 

Just yesterday I was at the mall on my lunch hour shopping for him.  He had asked me to buy him a couple polo shirts.  He made it clear that he wanted dark colors, and absolutely no red, orange or yellow.  And no weird colors.  Okay.  That's simple enough.  And so I made my way to Penney's since they were having a sale on their summer merchandise and appeared to have a nice selection of polos to choose from, lots of brands, lots of colors and patterns. 

Ten cell phone pics and 15-20 texts later, I was able to finally find exactly TWO that fit the bill.  I wasn't going to waste my time with returns.  This is a no-brainer:  Snap a picture, get his feedback via texting, and keep going until you hit the jackpot.  Ten tries and I finally got it right.  I ended up with a charcoal and a dark marine blue, both with a very subtle stripe tone-on-tone pattern.  Very non-showy, conservative.  Safe.  Let me blend.  Yep.  That's his style.

As I was boiling chicken yesterday evening for dinner to make chicken wraps, he comes in from football practice and this conversation ensues as I'm standing on the counter, busy painting some whimsy on the kitchen wall above the cabinets -- me and my projects! 

HIM:  What are you doing?
ME:    I'm painting.
HIM:  Yeah, I KNOW that.  But why?
ME:    Why not?
HIM:   (slight pause) What's for dinner?
ME:    Chicken wraps.
HIM:   I don't want to eat yet.
ME:    Good.  Because they're not ready.
HIM:   Well, when are they going to be ready?
ME:    When you tell me you're ready to eat.
HIM:  (silence...then)  Well, we don't have anymore cheese.
ME:    Yes, we do.  I got some at the store.
HIM:  And we're out of Gatorade...and milk...and don't buy anymore of that kind of bread you bought the last time...and the next time you get wraps, get the bigger ones.  And I need more whey protein too.   And peanut butter.
ME:    Yep.
HIM:   Were you listening to me?
ME:    Yep.
HIM:   Well, you need to get that stuff tonight.
ME:     Done deal.
HIM:   All that stuff?  You got all of it already?
ME:    Yep.
HIM:   (silence)
ME:    Thank you.
HIM:   Uh.  Yeah ... (as he saunters away to the shower)...

In the meantime, just this week I was sent a lovely photo via text from Gavin's girlfriend, a photo of the two of them at her best friend's wedding last weekend, all dressed up and looking smart, sophisticated and sassy.  And I get an email from Zach this morning telling me about his first few days of on-the-job training, how it went well, and promising me he'll have his roommate take a picture of him in his suit to send to me (my request); oh, yeah, and that he bought an iron, so I can relax; and asking me if we want to Skype again Saturday morning like we did last weekend...will that work for me? 

You bet it will.  I wouldn't miss it for the world. 

Letting go.  It's a work in progress.

Seeing with My Heart

I've often thought how sad it would be to be born blind, to never know what the sun looked like, or the moon, or snow, or the ocean...a flower...a puppy's face...a rollling pasture...or a mountain range.  When I marvel at these things, my heart fills up with such joy.  It truly overflows.  Maybe that's how blind people see -- through their hearts!  Maybe what's important here is the effect on our hearts of what we see with our eyes.  Maybe God allows blind people to see with a far deeper clarity, a much more vivid and broader appreciation of things when seen with the heart.

That is how I felt this morning.  I was reminded of God's miraculous creation all around me this morning, an arresting sense of beauty.  So unsettling that it stopped me in my tracks, not once, but many times throughout my morning. 



It was dark out as I turned the door knob and headed out my back door to the driveway.  As I made my way to the driver's side of my car, I casually glanced upward -- I'm certain it was instinctive, the light drawing me to pay attention, to come closer -- and I saw it.  The moon was full and bright and so very lovely, a slow-moving strip of clouds passing in front of it, casting the most beautiful shadows.  I uttered something, I don't even remember, because at that instant I forgot everything...who I was, what I had been thinking, where I was going.  I was instantly paralyzed with this simple yet alarming beauty. 

And then I remembered...oh, yeah, the gym, I'm running late, I need to hurry or I won't get in a full workout.  But I simply could not take another step without first grabbing my camera on my cell phone and snapping a few shots. 

(Unfortunately, my cell phone cam didn't deliver; but my mind remembers!)

As I headed toward the gym, driving down the highway my view of the moon was even more rewarding.  It seemed even bigger and brighter and more lovely than minutes ago from my driveway.  As if on cue, a yummy guitar instrumental was playing on a Blank & Jones CD, Face a la Mer -- what perfect background music for this morning -- and I was overcome with a sense of euphoria.  Lifesize euphoria.

When I returned home, the sun having long since made its debut, I took notice of how the morning had begun to unfold.  And I didn't want to miss a thing...

 

 

 

 

 For it to be an ordinary, uneventful Wednesday,

I was blessed with a sense of joy all about me,

having witnessed the beauty of simple pleasures

not just with my eyes,

but with my heart.

 

And my soul cried out with praise.

 



Encounters

encounters

 

 

Profoundly true. 

People we encounter in our lives,

for a reason or for a season,

whether they stay or go,

they leave pieces of themselves

intricately and forever

weaved into our hearts

transforming us

for as long as we breathe.

 

 

 

Terminal



I Like It When You Smile

Vegas

in the summertime

 

 

Hot Time in the City

oh.was.it.ever.

but it was actually no worse than being at home

where the humidity here

made it feel far more miserable

And when you’re having fun,

you don’t much mind the heat.

We were only there a few days,
on business,
but managed to squeeze in some play time too.

 

(wine flowed freely … a little TOO freely)

 

 

 

 

The Venetian is still my favorite place to go in Vegas.

Beautiful

Fun

Romantic

Magical

 



FNL - Look What You've Done To Me

be still ... my bleeding heart

 

LOOK

WHAT

YOU’VE

DONE

TO

ME

 

 

Classically timeless.



The Glory of Friendship

 

 



CINNABUN Mini Muffins

It's no secret that my favorite brand of whey protein is TruTein.  Although I've heard great reviews on all their flavors, I've never ventured out to try any flavors besides Cinnabun.  (I'm planning to try the chocolate very soon!)

Although Cinnabun makes a really yummy shake for post-workout fuel, one of my favorite recipes to make with this product is Mini Muffins.  I've blogged the recipe in my blog.*  What I didn't mention in that post was the nutrient info for these mini muffins.  They make a great balanced snack at any time of the day, making it easy for traveling when options are limited. 

Just before leaving for the beach in June, I made a batch of these and placed them in two quart-sized ziploc bags to have with me in the car for mini-meals.  When it was time to stop for a pee break, or for gas, I'd buy a cup of coffee and have my muffins instead of buying salt-carb-fat-laden fast food.  They did the trick for replacement meals, keeping me feeling satisified and alert as I drove all those miles. 

I often enjoy a serving of mini muffins with a cup of green tea for a mid-morning snack on my break at work (or decaf green tea as a snack before bed).  In winter months when a cold shake post workout doesn't quite hit the spot, I opt for 1.5 servings of muffins with green tea (sometimes with a side of berries.)

My recipe makes 24 mini muffins.  Below is the nutritional information per serving, depending on the number of muffins eaten per serving.

Nutrients Per 5 Mini Muffins

140.2 cals

2.0 g fat

7.5 g carbs

4.0 g fiber

1 g sugar

25.6 g protein

 

 

Nutrients Per 4 Mini Muffins

112 cals

1.6 g fat

6 g carbs

3.2 g fiber

.08 g sugar

20.4 g protein



* (Adding 1/2 tsp of xanthan gum powder to the recipe helps to thicken the batter and makes fluffier muffins.  This works well for shakes too; I've tried adding 1/4 tsp to my shakes.  A teeny bit goes a long way!)

I Made It Through

The exodus.  I willed myself to stay gracefully strong and controlled.   I suppressed my tears as we said our goodbyes ... well, almost.  I think there were only three tears.  Yeah, I was counting.  But they were silent tears.  With a forced smile.  But a proud one, that is for certain.

His car is still parked in the driveway.  It haunts me. 

My emotions have been all over the place with this, and it's mostly because Japan is so damn far away.  I think if he were somewhere in the contiguous states, it would not be a problem.  I could accept that, knowing that it would be far easier to see him when I wanted to. 

Seriously.  He's been slow in launching, and I've been annoyed about that for how long?  And yet now that he's officially launched, what do I do?  I pace and worry and allow my heart to get ripped and torn and tied in knots.  Silly me. 

So I am gathering all the distractions I can in an effort to focus on positive happy things to help me through these first few difficult days.  A good movie would be nice.  I love a good love story...it's been a long time.  But I can't handle love stories anymore.  So then I thought about a good comedy.  Laughter always is the best medicine.  This I know.  I'll keep looking.

A good book would be nice, but wouldn't you know, the last one I downloaded for my Kindle turned out to be a flop, despite having earned 5 stars by over 300 reviewers (REALLY?) and this caption in the summary:

"SECOND HONEYMOON is James Patterson's most mesmerizing, most exciting, and most surprising thriller ever."

Bad move.  I cannot BELIEVE Patterson is so wildly popular.  He editorializes way too much, to a point of distraction -- cut the cheesey comments!!!  Just shut up and tell the story!  And the story line is all over the place.  Very disjointed.  Choppy.  Just bad.  BAD.  I'd never read Patterson before, and I'm pretty certain I never will again.  Okay.  So much for the book idea, at least until I find a better one.

Pinterest can be fun.  I love looking at photos of beautiful faraway places....oh, and the black and white photography (my favorite), inspiring messages, clever project ideas.  And Tumblr.  Love that even more.  I like getting lost in the images.  Sweet escape.

What next?  What will serve as a good fix from this funky chapter in my life?

Last night I spent about 45 mins doing different forms of cardio -- elliptical, and some Turbo Jam stuff, ab circuits, followed up with stretching.  Not surprisingly, I felt amazing afterwards. YOU REMEMBER THAT FEELING, T.  This is your GO-TO coping mechanism that rarely lets you down.

As the sun was coming up this morning, I poured myself a cup of coffee, submersed in the stillness of dawn.  My favorite time of day.  Then I laced up my shoes, grabbed MY MUSIC (loving this fun song, "Breathe) and headed out the door.  I didn't want to JUST run...I wanted to run and keep running.  Run from the world.  I don't know why the overwhelming need to withdraw.  
To close the door to 

“the noise.”

What DO I want?  Do I even know?

The running helped me to sweat out the negative thoughts, the confusion, the sadness, the frustrations.  Fill the void.  It helped to defeat the vulnerabilities that had taken me captive.  You gotta let it flow.  Let it go.  Purge.  Through the breathlessness and the sweat. 

Whatever works.

And now what?  What's next?  Where to now?  I gotta focus on changes, big and small, that need to be made in my life.  Seek restoration.  It's no small task.  And especially at this chapter in my life.  But I will find it.  I just gotta remember to breathe.

Preparing for the Exodus

My mind and heart have been full with emotions for the past couple of weeks as I wrestle with my oldest son preparing to leave for Japan.  Tomorrow.  For a year.  I've been annoyed with him lately because of his nonchalant approach for this event.  Details.  You don't just up and leave the country for a year without paying attention to the details. 

And if he didn't still live under this roof (sigh), I wouldn't be preoccupied and likely not as annoyed with him.  Because I wouldn't know, would I?  I mean, he's a man.  He's not a child.  This is HIS trip, his adventure, his life.  Let him work through this and suffer the consequences through the trial and error of life lessons.

For instance -- and then I'm leaving it alone -- he BEGINS looking for his passport on Tuesday night.  He leaves FRIDAY.  He's known that he will be going to Japan since, when?  May?  And a couple days before he leaves the country, it dawns on him that he might need his passport.  And does he know where it is?  Hell no.  Does he appear concerned?  Only slightly.  After 30 mins of searching, he says to me, "Oh, well.  It will show up.  See you later.  I'm going out with some friends."

That is all I'm going to say about this.  Oh.  But okay.  He found it Wednesday afternoon.  In the scanner where he'd left it to scan to his PC ... who knows when. 

I've taken the day off so that I can go shopping with him to help him buy a couple of suits, dress shirts, ties, a fresh supply of underwear and toiletries.  He tells me he has to wear a suit every day at his new job teaching.  A suit.  Really?  (DETAILS)  And you tell me this the week before you leave.  He doesn't even OWN a suit.

So I sit here having coffee, tossing these thoughts around in my head.  I slept in a little later and will be going to the gym in a few minutes.  Dire therapy.  Maybe this is God's way of helping me to work through the sadness of him leaving, continents away for a whole year.  If I'm annoyed with him, it's not as easy to be sad, right? 

Does he even have a clue how much I love him?  How much I'll miss him?  How much I'll always and forever worry about THE DETAILS of his life every day of his life. 

He's my son after all.

Time to head out in search of endorphins.

 

At his going-away party.