I Made It Through

The exodus.  I willed myself to stay gracefully strong and controlled.   I suppressed my tears as we said our goodbyes ... well, almost.  I think there were only three tears.  Yeah, I was counting.  But they were silent tears.  With a forced smile.  But a proud one, that is for certain.

His car is still parked in the driveway.  It haunts me. 

My emotions have been all over the place with this, and it's mostly because Japan is so damn far away.  I think if he were somewhere in the contiguous states, it would not be a problem.  I could accept that, knowing that it would be far easier to see him when I wanted to. 

Seriously.  He's been slow in launching, and I've been annoyed about that for how long?  And yet now that he's officially launched, what do I do?  I pace and worry and allow my heart to get ripped and torn and tied in knots.  Silly me. 

So I am gathering all the distractions I can in an effort to focus on positive happy things to help me through these first few difficult days.  A good movie would be nice.  I love a good love story...it's been a long time.  But I can't handle love stories anymore.  So then I thought about a good comedy.  Laughter always is the best medicine.  This I know.  I'll keep looking.

A good book would be nice, but wouldn't you know, the last one I downloaded for my Kindle turned out to be a flop, despite having earned 5 stars by over 300 reviewers (REALLY?) and this caption in the summary:

"SECOND HONEYMOON is James Patterson's most mesmerizing, most exciting, and most surprising thriller ever."

Bad move.  I cannot BELIEVE Patterson is so wildly popular.  He editorializes way too much, to a point of distraction -- cut the cheesey comments!!!  Just shut up and tell the story!  And the story line is all over the place.  Very disjointed.  Choppy.  Just bad.  BAD.  I'd never read Patterson before, and I'm pretty certain I never will again.  Okay.  So much for the book idea, at least until I find a better one.

Pinterest can be fun.  I love looking at photos of beautiful faraway places....oh, and the black and white photography (my favorite), inspiring messages, clever project ideas.  And Tumblr.  Love that even more.  I like getting lost in the images.  Sweet escape.

What next?  What will serve as a good fix from this funky chapter in my life?

Last night I spent about 45 mins doing different forms of cardio -- elliptical, and some Turbo Jam stuff, ab circuits, followed up with stretching.  Not surprisingly, I felt amazing afterwards. YOU REMEMBER THAT FEELING, T.  This is your GO-TO coping mechanism that rarely lets you down.

As the sun was coming up this morning, I poured myself a cup of coffee, submersed in the stillness of dawn.  My favorite time of day.  Then I laced up my shoes, grabbed MY MUSIC (loving this fun song, "Breathe) and headed out the door.  I didn't want to JUST run...I wanted to run and keep running.  Run from the world.  I don't know why the overwhelming need to withdraw.  
To close the door to 

“the noise.”

What DO I want?  Do I even know?

The running helped me to sweat out the negative thoughts, the confusion, the sadness, the frustrations.  Fill the void.  It helped to defeat the vulnerabilities that had taken me captive.  You gotta let it flow.  Let it go.  Purge.  Through the breathlessness and the sweat. 

Whatever works.

And now what?  What's next?  Where to now?  I gotta focus on changes, big and small, that need to be made in my life.  Seek restoration.  It's no small task.  And especially at this chapter in my life.  But I will find it.  I just gotta remember to breathe.