Yesterday evening, after taking Phelan for a walk -- then run, because, well, she likes to run too, I discovered -- we plopped down onto the garage floor for a breather. She eagerly lapped up her water. And THEN she spies me on the floor beside her, an irresistible invitation tease to pounce and play. And to be honest, I was having a ball. She'd look at me dead in the eye, as if to say, you know you love me...why do you pretend you don't?
And then --bam-- in my lap, nuzzling my hair, my face, my neck, romp, play, pounce ... repeat.
And me? Well, I giggled. A lot.
"Say it. Say you love me!"
And then I saw it. The sunset.
And as if on cue, she saw it too,
and she immediately calmed down,
and we both sat there staring,
content,
conversing without words.
Our souls had connected somehow.
Sunsets...high on my happy list!
Yes, all was good in my world.
(Forever grateful to a friend who encouraged me to start that list.)
Was it really less than a week ago that I was at the office,
planning my last day at work until after Thanksgiving, checking the weather,
hoping/praying that Gavin would make it home safely if it snowed as they had
predicted.
It seems like forever ago.
The snow was so beautiful.
Remnants of fall peek out of the freshly fallen snow on Wednesday morning. The snow calmed me. It seemed to know I needed it.
Since he left to go back home on Friday morning, I’ve been
in a funk. What is wrong with me? Seriously.
I’ve got to get a grip. This is
not the way it’s supposed to be. My
shame mixes with guilt over feeling this way and it just exaggerates the
emptiness.
It’s as if
all the color has been washed away…
and all I see,
both literally and figuratively,
is black and white.
I’m somewhat very frustrated with Gavin for having bought a
dog (a soon to be VERY BIG dog), knowing he wasn’t allowed to have pets. He now will likely be evicted. While he searches for a new apartment, his
puppy, Phelan, is staying at our house.
A puppy – un-housebroken puppy – is the LAST thing I want and need right
now. Let’s just crank up the stress
several notches, shall we?
This puppy needs watched constantly when she’s not on a
leash, chained up to a loaded 50-lb barbell in our garage. She’s chew crazy, playfully aggressive, and
she poops and pees when she’s not taken out regularly. To avoid the poop and pee and mess, we take
her out at regular intervals. She cries,
lonely when left in the garage by herself (except at night, thankfully), and
begs/cries to come in. I have to gate
and barricade everything (while decorating for Christmas????) as she chases and
terrorizes Chessie, my Peke-a-poo. She
jumps and romps and she’s STRONG as an ox.
There are no off-guard moments.
You have to constantly be watching her or attending to her needs.
Am I resentful?
Yes. Is that all that’s wrong
with me?
That’s what has me stumped.
I need and want to purge. I
must. I’m drowning here.
Get a grip.
Everything will work out with Phelan and he’ll find another
apartment very soon.
Think positive.
But will that cure me? I desperately want to make this right.
And just before falling asleep, I hear the garage door opening...
GAVIN'S HOME!
I grab a jacket hanging on the chair
(modesty, no bra)
and race downstairs to greet him and Phelan.
God, it's good to have him home.
He drove all that distance after getting off from work at the wee hours of the morning, so he could beat the snow.
Well, he didn't exactly beat the snow...but granted, there was less traffic,
which means less idiots, safer travels.
And now I can enjoy this beautiful blanket of snow
at this season of blessings and gratitude.
I have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
So he and Phelan go to his room to get some sleep.
And me?
Now what?
I do what I do.
I fix coffee and read emails and reflect...
I wander into the deepest recesses of my mind,
searching, sorting, thinking,
beckoning a fusion of both tears and smiles
and I remember.
I drink more coffee.
I stare out the window at the falling snow.
I think about all the things I need to do today.
Gym was to be first up...
But I know that Colton & Gavin will likely want to go to the gym today too, so maybe I should wait and we could all go together later today.
My legs/hams/glutes were STILL sore yesterday (Tues) after Saturday's workout. In fact, I struggled rising out of the chair by Sunday night. I can't remember having that much muscle soreness in a very long time. Hurts so good!
Yesterday was arms and abs. Am I ready for another leg/glute day? Yikes. I know it's best to work it out. I can do high rep lighter weights maybe. Yeah. That'll work. So yep, I'll wait and go with my boys guys.
I drink more coffee...
I listen to Winter Sonata on Pandora.
As the snow continues to fall.
I know it makes traveling dangerous and hectic.
But it's so beautiful.
Like the ocean, and the moon, and sunsets, and sunrises,
