Was it really less than a week ago that I was at the office,
planning my last day at work until after Thanksgiving, checking the weather,
hoping/praying that Gavin would make it home safely if it snowed as they had
predicted.
It seems like forever ago.
The snow was so beautiful.
Remnants of fall peek out of the freshly fallen snow on Wednesday morning. The snow calmed me. It seemed to know I needed it.
Since he left to go back home on Friday morning, I’ve been
in a funk. What is wrong with me? Seriously.
I’ve got to get a grip. This is
not the way it’s supposed to be. My
shame mixes with guilt over feeling this way and it just exaggerates the
emptiness.
It’s as if
all the color has been washed away…
and all I see,
both literally and figuratively,
is black and white.
This puppy needs watched constantly when she’s not on a
leash, chained up to a loaded 50-lb barbell in our garage. She’s chew crazy, playfully aggressive, and
she poops and pees when she’s not taken out regularly. To avoid the poop and pee and mess, we take
her out at regular intervals. She cries,
lonely when left in the garage by herself (except at night, thankfully), and
begs/cries to come in. I have to gate
and barricade everything (while decorating for Christmas????) as she chases and
terrorizes Chessie, my Peke-a-poo. She
jumps and romps and she’s STRONG as an ox.
There are no off-guard moments.
You have to constantly be watching her or attending to her needs.
Am I resentful?
Yes. Is that all that’s wrong
with me?
That’s what has me stumped.
I need and want to purge. I
must. I’m drowning here.
Get a grip.
Everything will work out with Phelan and he’ll find another
apartment very soon.
Think positive.
But will that cure me? I desperately want to make this right.
2 comments:
For one thing, you didn't sign on for a puppy. Your son did. I know I'd take the dog in as well, then I'd feel a bit resentful because puppies are so much work!
I don't want to overstep here and ignore me if I have, but I went through a VERY bad time just a few months ago. Much like you are describing. Sometimes just crying for no reason. Crabby and just wanting to isolate.
I have no magic solution except mine passed. You have a head start because you are a woman who regularly uses exercise for management and I know that will get you over this crappy hump.
Oh I get this.
Text me if you want girl. I'm the queen of getting over bad times.
But if nothing else, know that we're all out here somewhere knowing exactly how you feel, yet not having a clue exactly what you're going through.
Smooches and stay strong as you are.
You have NO IDEA how much this means to me.
No idea.How I needed to hear these words.
I feel helpless when I get like that. And I don't deal with "helpless" very well.
Huge, huge hugs backatcha.
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