It's unfortunate that I did not taken the time to chronicle these stories in some sort of book. I may have made some solid cash by now on the publishing rights.
An excerpt from court this week:
STUD GOES TO COURT
ALLEGING HARDWARE DAMAGES
(Pro se plaintiff is in court, alleging that a police officer in a search/frisk situation "bag-tagged" him, causing extensive pain and permanent damage, and is suing the local police department for emotional distress and damages. The plaintiff admits that he had been to his family doctor, prior to the alleged officer misconduct, for ongoing pain in his testicles, which was later determined to be caused from a benign cyst.)
THE COURT: Okay. Let's assume that this police officer did do this to you. Do you think a grope or a bag tag is worth 15,000 bucks?
JOHN DOE: I still hurt down there. Yeah.
THE COURT: Maybe you're hurting because of your cyst and not because of the bag tag.
JOHN DOE: I don't think that, Your Honor, you know, because it wasn't hurting before. Honestly. You know, if I thought that, then I would just drop the case.
THE COURT: When did this happen?
JOHN DOE: This happened October 15 th , 2008. And it still feels like someone is groping me down there, the same way he did that. I guess he must have thought I had -- probably like weed or something. I was going to become a New York police officer.
THE COURT: You were? What happened?
JOHN DOE: Well, I guess I got stressed out. Because, you know, it happened three days before my test. I had to pull over because I was hurting. When I came back, I went back to the doctor. I was still hurting.
THE COURT: Your doctor hasn't told you that you got any permanent problem, has he?
JOHN DOE: He says that, you know, that -- I keep telling him that, you know, that I have problems, you know, getting an erection because of this. And it's the truth.
THE COURT: You do?
JOHN DOE: Yes, you know, and it takes a toll on me.
THE COURT: Do what?
JOHN DOE: It takes a toll on me.
THE COURT: What?
JOHN DOE: The love life and stuff. And I don't even know why this girl is with me. I guess she loves me.
THE COURT: I guess.
JOHN DOE: Ask her. Put her under oath.
THE COURT: Well, she wouldn't lie about it, would she?
JOHN DOE: I don't know. Do girls lie? Ask her.
THE COURT: So you can't get an erection, huh?
JOHN DOE: If it happens, it happens. But I'm telling you, it's not like it used to be.
THE COURT: Do you always have problems getting them?
JOHN DOE: No. Not at all, not before. Oh, no. I used to be a humping mule.
(Suppressed laughter in the courtroom.)
THE COURT: Oh, yeah? So just since this bag tagging, huh?
JOHN DOE: Yeah. I think when he actually groped me and thought I had something down there, that's when it hit.
THE COURT: You didn't have an erection when he grabbed you, did you?
JOHN DOE: Oh, no. I don't like guys. I mean, if he turned around, I might have give him a reach-around -- just kidding, just kidding.
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