Habits of Annoying Lawyers -- From a Reporter's Perspective

Oh.My.  WHAT a can of worms this topic presents.  I must assign an exclusive label for this blog post title.

I'm aware that over the years as a reporter, my patience has both improved and waned.  It's dictated by circumstances, some inexcusable, some not so inexcusable.

Example:  We are in the middle of a motions hearing in court, and I am listening intently to the motions being made by counsel when I hear loud voices outside the courtroom doors, making it more difficult for me to hear the attorney addressing the Court.  Seconds later, again, same voice.  Same show of disrespect.  Suddenly the courtroom doors crash open -- surely an attorney should know to quietly enter and take a seat as discreetly as possible while court is in session?  No.  And then I see who it is.  Ah, yes.  Mr. Jerk.  He's already been before the Court earlier this week.  I feel my ire rising already, just the sight of him.  Maybe even slightly nauseous.  Yes, he has that effect on me.

How impressed this guy is with himself.  He has arrived.  He wants the world to know and acknowledge his presence.  Please!

Does he take a seat quietly?  No.

From the moment he enters the courtroom, he sets into motion this display of annoying behaviors.

• Rustling of papers
• Loosening of tie
• Seemingly involuntary jerk of the head -- over, and over, and over
• Fake clearing of the throat -- over and over and over
• Loud whispering (no, it's NOT a whisper actually) to other lawyers seated near him, followed by laughter -- his laughter, not theirs
• More clearing of the throat
• Digging through his briefcase, pretending to look for something
• Continued, antsy gestures and nods
• Feigned facial expressions of boredom and impatience -- his time is so valuable, after all

The case at bar is concluded, and Mr. Jerk's case is called.  He walks demonstrably to counsel table, noisily and ostentatiously placing his briefcase on counsel table, opening and closing his jacket to proudly display his suspenders, because, ahem, Don't I look amazing today, People?  Spewing pretentious and unsolicited comments in an attitude of jest -- his attempt at being "folksy" with the Judge, all before he is personally addressed by the Court, superseded by his own annoying laughter.  Wow, have we been gifted with his almighty presence.

The Court opens the case, naming the parties to the case and the motion that is pending, calling upon defense counsel to argue his motion. Sure enough, as Mr. Defense begins stating the grounds for his motion, Mr. Jerk begins to clear his throat again...and again...pours himself a drink from the carafe on the table, drinks ALL of it, then pours another. (Are you nervous, Dude?  Mouth dry?) Gulps that down.  Places empty cup noisily on counsel table.  Straightens papers.  Straightens tie.  Scoots back in chair, then forward again.  Pours himself yet another drink of water, gulps it down.  Crosses his legs.  Uncrosses his legs.  Clears his throat again.  (How many times now?  I've lost count.)  

The Court politely interrupts Mr. Defense to ask him him a question regarding a comment he has just made.  Sure enough, Mr. Jerk feels led to answer that question, oblivious to the fact that the Court did NOT address the question to him, while at the same time Mr. Defense attempts to address the Court's concerns and answer the question---all of which is a challenge for me, trying to get two voices at once, aggravated that Mr. Jerk has spoken out of turn.

Mr. Defense finishes a couple more sentences, and again, the Court stops him to ask yet another question.  I saw it coming.  (How could I not?)   Just as     Mr. Jerk is rising from his chair to take the liberty of answering a question not posed to him, I cannot restrain myself and politely but assertively interrupt       Mr. Jerk -- seeing that my judge hadn't felt led to -- and admonish him to wait until he is addressed before speaking since I can only get one voice at a time for the record.

A brief pause by everyone, and then Mr. Defense resumes...

The look on Mr. Jerk's face is priceless.  That look of surprise.  Offended even?  Did she just try to embarrass me?  Put me in my place?  The court reporter?  Really?

YES, REALLY, DUDE.  Shut the hell up and sit still until your opponent finishes his argument.  And THEN, only if you must, and only if called upon by the Court, you may speak -- as animatedly as you care to.  And in the meantime, I'll do my best to take down your purged utterances while waiting quietly and eagerly for this hearing to conclude.  

Oh, and incidentally, I'm 99.9% certain that Mr. Defense's motion will be granted.  And I'm rarely wrong at second guessing my judge's rulings.  Justice is served.